It’s funny how we think we’ve grown so much over time, and we think, “finally, I am getting somewhere. I’m coming into myself.” And then shit happens, you deal with it, you laugh, you cry. You grow apart from old friends; you meet new ones. You travel the world.
I cannot digress how much I have changed over the past few years. Sometimes for the worst, and others for the best. But I think finally, after 4 years of not having a clue, of trying to figure out “what is the point?” I think I’m finally progressing in a direction that I am more than proud of.
I’ve written about my weight loss in previous entries, so I won’t go into too much detail about that. I’m still working on it, and even though I’ve had some set backs, I know that I can do it and reach my goal to leading a healthier and more energized life.
That is just one of the many ways I have been working toward my ultimate life goal – genuine happiness with myself as a person and where I am in each moment of my life.
This has probably been the hardest for me to achieve, as I’ve been dealing with some form of depression and anxiety for as much of my life as I can remember. I always found it so easy to just feel sorry for myself, no matter what the situation, and to sink into a pool of self-pity.
When I was in my first year out of high school, I had the unfortunate experience of being sexually assaulted when I was at my lowest point in my faith with God, and met a guy online who seemed to be interested in my thoughts as he himself claimed to be a pastors child (P.K. for future reference). I always found growing up a PK difficult, because I felt that perfection was projected on me, as my behaviors would illuminate the kind of person that my father was outside of the Sunday morning church services. So when this guy offered to share experiences and help me sort out my issues with the church and with God, I figured, why not.
Long story short, he ended up just using my vulnerability, naivety and trust in humanity to his own benefit, and to the misfortune of mine. Though luckily I did have the courage to get out before things got too far.
That was my first encounter with the so-called “Real World,” the world outside my sheltered Mennonite life. I let that experience affect so much of how I thought of myself, so much of whom I was. I didn’t know anything anymore. My whole world was shaken.
From then on, I felt insecure about men; I felt that attention from guys that I knew deep down I was “way better than” (for lack of a better term) was how I needed to deal with my insecurities. The relationships I’ve had since then have only dragged me down and made me feel worse and worse about myself. Having days –weeks even- that a situation with guy would make me feel so worthless that I would lay in bed, moping all day long and eating away my emotions.
Well, my friends, there is a point to my rambling little sob story. It is that shit happens. Bad experiences are part of life. It’s how we learn, how we grow. As hard as these experiences were for me to deal with, they have helped shape me into someone I am finally proud of being. I am finally able to stand on my own two feet and say “This is who I am. This is what I want, and this is what I deserve.” And I will settle for no less.
After the last ordeal with a guy I was seeing gone completely wrong, I somehow felt different. I was able to put my foot down and say, “you know what, no. I can do far better than this.” I finally realized that we are dealt certain cards and how we play them out and what we make of the outcomes are up to us. We make our own happiness. We can choose to whip out the worlds smallest violin and play a sad song for ourselves, crying the days away. But people get sick of that. No one wants to willingly be around a person who drags him or her down.
I decided I was going to learn to make the best out of all the situations life throws me in. And you know what, I think the people around me have noticed this. Before, I always felt as though I had no friends, and suddenly, they surround me. People mean so much more to me now that I respect myself, and their opinions don’t hinder me like they once did. I love my life, and I am not only excited for the future, but I am truly enjoying living in the present.
There’s not much else I can say. I am growing every day, and will till the day I die. I’ll have my fallbacks. As long as I have my friends and my family to support me and remember that life is so much more than moping about. There is a whole world out there, and I want to experience all of it, grinning from ear to ear.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
No, I'm not ready for a hell hell no, for a hell hell no!
I have never had epiphanies at a concert so much as i had tonight when i saw Tegan and Sara live for the first time. Something about this show just felt different than usual. Normally, when i go to a concert, i dance like i've never danced before and sing along at the top of my lungs, but today, i just felt like listening and watching, soaking in every word and every note played.
At one point, Sara shared a story about when she was 8 or 9 and got to see the New Kids on the Block, and just the awe that she experienced, the overwhelming feeling that there was someone famous, who she looked up to and loved in the same building as her.
This got me to thinking; i love singing more than pretty much anything else on this planet. One of my top goals on my Bucket List that i've been working on the past few weeks is to start a band and go on tour, and do what i love and spread what i have to say to all who will listen. Thinking about this, i looked out into the crowed below me (we sat up in the balcony) and at all the people around me, and thought, wow, if my dreams are so big, i wonder who else has similar dreams, or even bigger dreams. Maybe this girl sitting beside me will be the girl who cures cancer. Maybe that guy who's got his arm up in the air, singing his heart out down in the 4th row, maybe he's gonna win a gold medal for Canada. Or the young girl dancing like an idiot, who knows, maybe she's the next Picasso, Van Gogh... maybe there's a Bach out there, a Coco Chanel.
What i'm getting at, is that everyone has dreams. Whether they realize it at this moment or not, everyone wants something more from their life. Everyone wants to make something of themselves. And everyone is good at something, AMAZING even. Next time someone shuts you down and tells you that you will never be able to do what you dream of doing, be who you dream of being, whatever it may be, listen to a band you love. watch some paraplegic basketball. someone told them once they couldn't make it, and look at what they've accomplished. you can do anything you set your mind to, and if you want it bad enough, determination and hard work and learning from criticism - good or bad - will get you there.
So Shine, little star, I believe in you.
Yes, you.
At one point, Sara shared a story about when she was 8 or 9 and got to see the New Kids on the Block, and just the awe that she experienced, the overwhelming feeling that there was someone famous, who she looked up to and loved in the same building as her.
This got me to thinking; i love singing more than pretty much anything else on this planet. One of my top goals on my Bucket List that i've been working on the past few weeks is to start a band and go on tour, and do what i love and spread what i have to say to all who will listen. Thinking about this, i looked out into the crowed below me (we sat up in the balcony) and at all the people around me, and thought, wow, if my dreams are so big, i wonder who else has similar dreams, or even bigger dreams. Maybe this girl sitting beside me will be the girl who cures cancer. Maybe that guy who's got his arm up in the air, singing his heart out down in the 4th row, maybe he's gonna win a gold medal for Canada. Or the young girl dancing like an idiot, who knows, maybe she's the next Picasso, Van Gogh... maybe there's a Bach out there, a Coco Chanel.
What i'm getting at, is that everyone has dreams. Whether they realize it at this moment or not, everyone wants something more from their life. Everyone wants to make something of themselves. And everyone is good at something, AMAZING even. Next time someone shuts you down and tells you that you will never be able to do what you dream of doing, be who you dream of being, whatever it may be, listen to a band you love. watch some paraplegic basketball. someone told them once they couldn't make it, and look at what they've accomplished. you can do anything you set your mind to, and if you want it bad enough, determination and hard work and learning from criticism - good or bad - will get you there.
So Shine, little star, I believe in you.
Yes, you.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
the Year of Reinvention
Figuring out who you are isn't fun, no matter how old you are. I always thought that by 21 I would have had it all figured out. But in all honesty, I feel like I'm 13 all over again.
When I got my tattoo almost a year ago, I decided that this meant I had to live up to it.
"20 Going On..."
"Be what you're becoming, and not who you were. grab hold of the here and now while you still have a chance."
Until recently, i've felt like the person at the beginning of the song. If you're unfamiliar with this song by my favorite band Tsunami Bomb, let me recap. Basically, it's about a guy who's 20, or around that age, but feels like an old man. He's done nothing with his life and wasted it away and looking back, has nothing to be proud of. He may have had a life at some point earlier on, but it has all gone down the drain. In the song, Em (the singer) is telling this guy that he can do anything he wants if he only lets himself. "Build me and ocean and destroy it with your eyes," she says.
That guy that Em was singing to was me for the past few years of my life. I used to love playing guitar. It was all I did. I played for hours every day and didnt give up on a song until I nailed it. I was getting pretty good. I played sports all the time. I loved football and soccer, and roller hockey. Even though I wasn't on any teams, I called up the guys all the time to play, and I wasn't half bad either - for a girl. I had fun. I lived my life. I was happy.
Then a few bad things happened, and instead of using those bad things to make me stronger, I let them consume me. I let them take over my life and ruin it. I gained too much weight, I got lazy. I stopped playing guitar. I stopped playing sports - I even resented them. Later on, I started to make drinking on my own a bad habit, when I was having a bad day, going to the liquor mart and downing a bottle and a half - or more - of wine to myself within half an hour, and sulking in my room alone, or laughing it off to a parent, or a friend, pretending like everything was fine.
The past few years, my life has been ruled by fear. While I have had courage to do things other people might find stupid or irresponsible, like flying out to California on my own to meet someone in person for the first time, I held back from doing things here and now that I really truly wanted to do. I put them off and said "one day," because I was too afraid.
When I got my tattoo, I decided that it meant I couldn't keep living my life the way I was anymore. Every day I had a reminder burnt onto my skin, telling me to face my fears and live my life. It's been a challenge and I have so far to go, but I'm proud of how far I've come.
I joined a weightloss program in June this year and since, have lost 35 lbs. I now fit my grad dress better than I did when i actually graduated.
I joined a soccer team last week that will be starting up in October. I'm so excited to be playing again! Soccer was always such a stress reliever for me, and I loved every minute I spent on the field, and I can't wait to have this feeling and adrenaline back, and to be active and meet new people.
I'm picking up guitar again. I started doing covers on my own recently, and realizing how much of it I've lost makes it challenging, but I'm not giving up. I'm even going back to guitar lessons in the next few weeks!
I'm finishing things I once started. I have a horrible habit of knowing I have to do something, but putting it off because of fear. Fear of failing. Fear of talking to someone (on the phone or in person, whatever it is). Fear of changing. I've been putting off my hairstylist exam for quite some time now, by not handing in my apprenticeship form, but it's something I have to do. Exams are scary for everyone, and I have to realize that if I work hard and grab it by the horns, I can conquer this too, and move on to bigger and better things, and become the hairstylist I've wanted to be.
I'm working toward moving to Toronto in the next year, so I can be with my best friend, and live in a city that inspires me instead of dragging me down.
I'm learning to do things for myself instead of always putting other people and their opinions first. I will always be a genuine, caring person, who thinks of others before herself and wants to do good in the world, but I'm learning to not let myself be a pushover and to let people take advantage of my kindness. I guess all this comes with my ever growing confidence in myself and who I'm becoming.
I rarely drink anymore, not only because my diet won't allow me to, but after a scary experience with my brother, I realized that life is too short and fragile, and there are too many people in my life who care about me and it's not worth hurting them. Solving problems and taking them head on is so much more rewarding afterward than drinking your weights worth of alcohol and getting plastered. Making problems go away for good is far better than trying to forget they are there.
I'm about half way to my goal weight, and well on my way to becoming the strong and confident woman I've always dreamt of being. It scares the shit out of me every day, and some days are harder than others, but I won't give up now, not when I'm so close.
My parents and I were sitting around the bonfire one evening last week, when I got up and said "Hold on, I have to get something." I came back with my "fat pants", the largest pair I have ever worn, and said "fuck this" as i threw them into the fire.
"Why are you burning your pants?" dad asked.
"I'm saying goodbye to the person I was," I explained, "and promising myself never to let that happen again. To keep living my life no matter how hard it gets."
Look out world, here I come. Slowly but surely, I will conquer.
When I got my tattoo almost a year ago, I decided that this meant I had to live up to it.
"20 Going On..."
"Be what you're becoming, and not who you were. grab hold of the here and now while you still have a chance."
Until recently, i've felt like the person at the beginning of the song. If you're unfamiliar with this song by my favorite band Tsunami Bomb, let me recap. Basically, it's about a guy who's 20, or around that age, but feels like an old man. He's done nothing with his life and wasted it away and looking back, has nothing to be proud of. He may have had a life at some point earlier on, but it has all gone down the drain. In the song, Em (the singer) is telling this guy that he can do anything he wants if he only lets himself. "Build me and ocean and destroy it with your eyes," she says.
That guy that Em was singing to was me for the past few years of my life. I used to love playing guitar. It was all I did. I played for hours every day and didnt give up on a song until I nailed it. I was getting pretty good. I played sports all the time. I loved football and soccer, and roller hockey. Even though I wasn't on any teams, I called up the guys all the time to play, and I wasn't half bad either - for a girl. I had fun. I lived my life. I was happy.
Then a few bad things happened, and instead of using those bad things to make me stronger, I let them consume me. I let them take over my life and ruin it. I gained too much weight, I got lazy. I stopped playing guitar. I stopped playing sports - I even resented them. Later on, I started to make drinking on my own a bad habit, when I was having a bad day, going to the liquor mart and downing a bottle and a half - or more - of wine to myself within half an hour, and sulking in my room alone, or laughing it off to a parent, or a friend, pretending like everything was fine.
The past few years, my life has been ruled by fear. While I have had courage to do things other people might find stupid or irresponsible, like flying out to California on my own to meet someone in person for the first time, I held back from doing things here and now that I really truly wanted to do. I put them off and said "one day," because I was too afraid.
When I got my tattoo, I decided that it meant I couldn't keep living my life the way I was anymore. Every day I had a reminder burnt onto my skin, telling me to face my fears and live my life. It's been a challenge and I have so far to go, but I'm proud of how far I've come.
I joined a weightloss program in June this year and since, have lost 35 lbs. I now fit my grad dress better than I did when i actually graduated.
I joined a soccer team last week that will be starting up in October. I'm so excited to be playing again! Soccer was always such a stress reliever for me, and I loved every minute I spent on the field, and I can't wait to have this feeling and adrenaline back, and to be active and meet new people.
I'm picking up guitar again. I started doing covers on my own recently, and realizing how much of it I've lost makes it challenging, but I'm not giving up. I'm even going back to guitar lessons in the next few weeks!
I'm finishing things I once started. I have a horrible habit of knowing I have to do something, but putting it off because of fear. Fear of failing. Fear of talking to someone (on the phone or in person, whatever it is). Fear of changing. I've been putting off my hairstylist exam for quite some time now, by not handing in my apprenticeship form, but it's something I have to do. Exams are scary for everyone, and I have to realize that if I work hard and grab it by the horns, I can conquer this too, and move on to bigger and better things, and become the hairstylist I've wanted to be.
I'm working toward moving to Toronto in the next year, so I can be with my best friend, and live in a city that inspires me instead of dragging me down.
I'm learning to do things for myself instead of always putting other people and their opinions first. I will always be a genuine, caring person, who thinks of others before herself and wants to do good in the world, but I'm learning to not let myself be a pushover and to let people take advantage of my kindness. I guess all this comes with my ever growing confidence in myself and who I'm becoming.
I rarely drink anymore, not only because my diet won't allow me to, but after a scary experience with my brother, I realized that life is too short and fragile, and there are too many people in my life who care about me and it's not worth hurting them. Solving problems and taking them head on is so much more rewarding afterward than drinking your weights worth of alcohol and getting plastered. Making problems go away for good is far better than trying to forget they are there.
I'm about half way to my goal weight, and well on my way to becoming the strong and confident woman I've always dreamt of being. It scares the shit out of me every day, and some days are harder than others, but I won't give up now, not when I'm so close.
My parents and I were sitting around the bonfire one evening last week, when I got up and said "Hold on, I have to get something." I came back with my "fat pants", the largest pair I have ever worn, and said "fuck this" as i threw them into the fire.
"Why are you burning your pants?" dad asked.
"I'm saying goodbye to the person I was," I explained, "and promising myself never to let that happen again. To keep living my life no matter how hard it gets."
Look out world, here I come. Slowly but surely, I will conquer.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
How Have I Become Forgotten?
Since when is being the best person you can be a bad thing? after many months and years of hating the person i'd become and finally deciding to do something about it and change the things i didnt like about myself, i've come to realize no matter who you are and what you do, life will always throw you lemons.
i keep thinking that life should be like the movies, where it's so obvious when a person has an "aha!" moment. like the person you've offended hears just the right song at just the right moment and realizes "shit, that person was actually trying to do something right and i just threw it in their face."
i feel like i've grown so incredibly much in the past few months, i can't even describe it. and yet people still see the person i used to be and the bad traits i've had in the past. sure, they may be things i'm still dealing with - my self confidence still isn't amazing, and i am a bit of a paranoid freak-o, but i'm working SO hard to control that. i think i'm doing a pretty decent job. rome wasn't built in a day, after all. whenever i do start to get confident about something, someone comes and throws me down, or i just look like a complete ass. and when i let my guard down, i become weak. there is never a happy medium. you either have too much of a heart or not enough.
every time i try to do something good, and show people i care, it somehow backfires and makes me look bad. i tried to get over my fear or needles and give blood, but since i went to paraguay, (which is a high risk for malaria there) i can't for another year, provided i do everything else right too.
i allow myself to be vulnerable and like someone again, and somehow i managed to screw that up too, when i dont even know how that happened.
it always seems that when something goes right for me, it does not last long at all, and somehow manages to go down the hardest way possible. and people wonder why i'm paranoid.
i feel like i'm a good person, but correct me if i'm wrong. a friend of mine always jokes around and calls me "popular" because i have a lot of friends apparently. which i do, but truth be told, i'd rather have 4 best friends than 30 friends that i see once every few million months. as much as i love each and every one of those friends, it's nice to have a few people that you can count on as much as they can count on you.
i realize this is kinda all over the place, but that's really where my brain's at at the moment.
i guess i just have to repeat to myself a few wise words from Emily Whitehurst:
1) above the clouds, there's always sun.
and my favorite:
2) Be what you're becoming and not who you were.
i keep thinking that life should be like the movies, where it's so obvious when a person has an "aha!" moment. like the person you've offended hears just the right song at just the right moment and realizes "shit, that person was actually trying to do something right and i just threw it in their face."
i feel like i've grown so incredibly much in the past few months, i can't even describe it. and yet people still see the person i used to be and the bad traits i've had in the past. sure, they may be things i'm still dealing with - my self confidence still isn't amazing, and i am a bit of a paranoid freak-o, but i'm working SO hard to control that. i think i'm doing a pretty decent job. rome wasn't built in a day, after all. whenever i do start to get confident about something, someone comes and throws me down, or i just look like a complete ass. and when i let my guard down, i become weak. there is never a happy medium. you either have too much of a heart or not enough.
every time i try to do something good, and show people i care, it somehow backfires and makes me look bad. i tried to get over my fear or needles and give blood, but since i went to paraguay, (which is a high risk for malaria there) i can't for another year, provided i do everything else right too.
i allow myself to be vulnerable and like someone again, and somehow i managed to screw that up too, when i dont even know how that happened.
it always seems that when something goes right for me, it does not last long at all, and somehow manages to go down the hardest way possible. and people wonder why i'm paranoid.
i feel like i'm a good person, but correct me if i'm wrong. a friend of mine always jokes around and calls me "popular" because i have a lot of friends apparently. which i do, but truth be told, i'd rather have 4 best friends than 30 friends that i see once every few million months. as much as i love each and every one of those friends, it's nice to have a few people that you can count on as much as they can count on you.
i realize this is kinda all over the place, but that's really where my brain's at at the moment.
i guess i just have to repeat to myself a few wise words from Emily Whitehurst:
1) above the clouds, there's always sun.
and my favorite:
2) Be what you're becoming and not who you were.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Chemistry of a Car Crash
So, as pretty much everyone knows by now, I was in a car accident a few weeks ago, resulting in a totaled '01 red 2 door Honda Civic. my baby. I rear ended a Ford (or Chevy?... I don't know cars) Colorado LT truck, at about 40-50 km/hr, against which my little car didn't stand a chance. I was fortunate enough to get out with only some whiplash and a few bruises, but the front end of my car looked pretty bad, was leaking fluids like crazy and resulted in about $8000 worth of damage.
I had never been in an accident with another car before, and that's the part that scared me the worst. As I got out of my car, I thought to myself, oh shit, this guy is going to KILL me, I should have been paying better attention! I got nervously out of my car and walked toward the man who's truck I'd hit. Luckily, he didn't look angry, just shocked. I didn't hesitate to apologize repeatedly and had a look at both our vehicles. He said to me, "well, I could yell at you, but that wouldn't really do much. And besides, your car is far worse than mine." I nodded, trying to hide how in shock I still was.
I couldn't have hit a friendlier man. He was about the age of my father, and of course he was a bit bummed out about his truck, but that's what MPI and car insurance is for after all. We had forgotten to swap info besides phone numbers, and we spoke a few times over the next few days trying to get all the info. Each time we spoke, he asked over and over again, "you're still ok? I'm really just glad no one was hurt. You sure you're ok?"
What amazed me the most was how rude so many other drivers were. The road the accident occurred on is a fairly trafficked road, however, it wasn't heavy at the time, yet at least half of the drivers angrily honked at me to move my car out of their way as they drove around me. I was particularly offended by this woman who actually bothered to roll down her window and swear at me in some foreign language. I was so mad, I yelled back at her "DRIVE AROUND IT, BITCH!" My dad laughed when I came and sat beside him as we waited for the tow truck. "I totally thought you were going to go kick her ass," he said. Truth be told, I'd thought about it, but logic told me that I didn't need a charge for assault on top of this.
Even when the tow truck came, people still honked impatiently. I couldn't believe the nerve! Honestly, when a person's just had an accident, the last thing they need are angry drivers honking at them, especially when they can easily drive around.
It's funny, because I always thought, if someone hit my car, I would probably go off on them. But now, after seeing how kind this man was to me, I don't think it would be right of me to yell and swear at someone who hit my car in the future. Depending, of course, on the situation, but no one ever PLANS to have an accident, so I'm going to try to keep that in mind when dealing with (god forbid) any future accidents.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Why Couldn't It Have Said "Follow the Butterflies?"
I was reading my friends' blog about anxiety ( http://thisispanicuk.blogspot.com ) and it really made me think about how much I hate when people laugh at me when I say spiders haunt me in my sleep. I dont think most of you realize how big a deal it actually is for me, and figure maybe I should explain.
I suffer from anxiety, though it's not insanely bad, it does have it's moments. I get my highs and my lows, and I will usually go a few months before having a breakdown, but when it happens, I want nothing to do with anyone, and I just want to be left alone. Usually if i am around people or at work, I need to escape and be alone quite often, as having people milling about only makes it worse. It's frustrating because people want to know what's wrong, why I'm sitting down, looking rather ill - because I am usually quite a good worker, and I dont just sit around. I dont like telling people, "oh I'm having an anxiety attack", so I usually just tell them I'm not feeling well, but then they pester me more throughout the day to see if I'm feeling better. Mainly how it works is I just feel insanely nervous, uncomfortable and shaky. I just want to stay in my house, away from people and noise, and stay in bed where nothing can make me freak out or break into tears without knowing exactly why.
My most recent anxiety attacks however, have been at night, which in my opinion are almost worse than the daytime ones, as they kinda run together. I don't get much sleep at all when I have a night attack, and then I am very tired the next day, causing me to be more anxious throughout the day, especially earlier on in the morning. My brain doesn't shut down at night very easily, though I think many people are like that too. Even if it's something as simple as a song playing repeatedly in my head, I cannot fall asleep. When I'm having a night attack, it's usually because something has triggered a bad memory and it is playing repeatedly in my head. Being the way I am, I will overanalyze and dissect the memory, trying to figure out what or where it went wrong. This can go on for hours, causing me to be restless and be filled with an overwhelming sadness. It takes me hours to fall asleep and it's to the point where I just feel so helpless because my mind won't shut off even though i know it's time to sleep and my body is exhausted.
So after my brain has finally allowed me to fall into a light sleep, filled with faced paced dreams, everything in my dreams stops and a giant spider, or many little spiders, appear out of thin air, usually on the bed beside me. I wake up screaming and hyperventilating for a while, my heart racing, and frantically throw all the covers off my bed, flip on the light switch and search my entire room for the damn spiders. Obviously there are none. When I realize it was another nightmare, I turn off the lights and try to fall asleep again, but by this point my heart is racing so hard and I am in panic mode. Sometimes I cry again, sometimes I don't. Either way, sleep is pretty much out of the question. Sometimes these night terrors even happen out of the blue, when I've had a fantastic evening with nothing troubling me.
The longest I've had these night terrors/attacks for was every night for a month straight. I think I've pretty much slept on every single couch in my house, trying to find a place where these spiders will leave me alone. Sometimes it works for a night or two, but they always find me. It's hard on my family too, because when I have these attacks, I sometimes wake them up, hoping that having someone who loves me around will make it stop. But since I can't explain to them what is going on, why I am hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably, they get freaked out and worried, which only makes it worse for me.
My daytime anxieties I can usually deal with. Sometimes I am just filled with an overwhelming happiness for no reason. I will be driving somewhere, when suddenly I can't help but grin the biggest grin you have ever seen, and my heart leaps into my throat and it is complete ecstasy. I feel like i am on drugs. This honestly is the best feeling in the world, and I can't complain when that happens, although my friends and family might be curious why I'm being so weird and giddy. I am also a very paranoid person. I believe that if it is possible for something to go wrong, if it involves me, it WILL go wrong. Most of the time, I am convinced that the next few years of my life will be my last, as every little thing that seems off with my body, I automatically think means i am dying or horribly diseased and when I'm driving, I always think I will be in a terrible accident.
The attacks I get when i'm at work, generally I can deal with. I leave. I go into the bathroom for a few minutes and try to breathe, or I just ask to go home early. It doesn't always work, but it is easier to deal with than the night anxieties, because at night, I am alone. I am in bed, and those are all the things I would normally do if I was having a daytime attack. So what do I do when all my normal remedies are not working?
After years of dealing with this and not knowing what is going on, I've finally come more to terms with it and realized that I'm not crazy, and that there are a lot of people in the world who deal with anxiety and depression every day of their lives and many have it far worse than I do. When I'm having an episode, all I ask is that you please do not yell at me if I'm not doing something properly. Please do not tell me I'm being ridiculous. And please do not make me do something I am not comfortable with, even if I say I am. If I seem uneasy, it's because I really am feeling horrible and just want to be alone. Last but not least, please, please, do NOT laugh at me when I say I've had a nightmare about spiders again.
I suffer from anxiety, though it's not insanely bad, it does have it's moments. I get my highs and my lows, and I will usually go a few months before having a breakdown, but when it happens, I want nothing to do with anyone, and I just want to be left alone. Usually if i am around people or at work, I need to escape and be alone quite often, as having people milling about only makes it worse. It's frustrating because people want to know what's wrong, why I'm sitting down, looking rather ill - because I am usually quite a good worker, and I dont just sit around. I dont like telling people, "oh I'm having an anxiety attack", so I usually just tell them I'm not feeling well, but then they pester me more throughout the day to see if I'm feeling better. Mainly how it works is I just feel insanely nervous, uncomfortable and shaky. I just want to stay in my house, away from people and noise, and stay in bed where nothing can make me freak out or break into tears without knowing exactly why.
My most recent anxiety attacks however, have been at night, which in my opinion are almost worse than the daytime ones, as they kinda run together. I don't get much sleep at all when I have a night attack, and then I am very tired the next day, causing me to be more anxious throughout the day, especially earlier on in the morning. My brain doesn't shut down at night very easily, though I think many people are like that too. Even if it's something as simple as a song playing repeatedly in my head, I cannot fall asleep. When I'm having a night attack, it's usually because something has triggered a bad memory and it is playing repeatedly in my head. Being the way I am, I will overanalyze and dissect the memory, trying to figure out what or where it went wrong. This can go on for hours, causing me to be restless and be filled with an overwhelming sadness. It takes me hours to fall asleep and it's to the point where I just feel so helpless because my mind won't shut off even though i know it's time to sleep and my body is exhausted.
So after my brain has finally allowed me to fall into a light sleep, filled with faced paced dreams, everything in my dreams stops and a giant spider, or many little spiders, appear out of thin air, usually on the bed beside me. I wake up screaming and hyperventilating for a while, my heart racing, and frantically throw all the covers off my bed, flip on the light switch and search my entire room for the damn spiders. Obviously there are none. When I realize it was another nightmare, I turn off the lights and try to fall asleep again, but by this point my heart is racing so hard and I am in panic mode. Sometimes I cry again, sometimes I don't. Either way, sleep is pretty much out of the question. Sometimes these night terrors even happen out of the blue, when I've had a fantastic evening with nothing troubling me.
The longest I've had these night terrors/attacks for was every night for a month straight. I think I've pretty much slept on every single couch in my house, trying to find a place where these spiders will leave me alone. Sometimes it works for a night or two, but they always find me. It's hard on my family too, because when I have these attacks, I sometimes wake them up, hoping that having someone who loves me around will make it stop. But since I can't explain to them what is going on, why I am hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably, they get freaked out and worried, which only makes it worse for me.
My daytime anxieties I can usually deal with. Sometimes I am just filled with an overwhelming happiness for no reason. I will be driving somewhere, when suddenly I can't help but grin the biggest grin you have ever seen, and my heart leaps into my throat and it is complete ecstasy. I feel like i am on drugs. This honestly is the best feeling in the world, and I can't complain when that happens, although my friends and family might be curious why I'm being so weird and giddy. I am also a very paranoid person. I believe that if it is possible for something to go wrong, if it involves me, it WILL go wrong. Most of the time, I am convinced that the next few years of my life will be my last, as every little thing that seems off with my body, I automatically think means i am dying or horribly diseased and when I'm driving, I always think I will be in a terrible accident.
The attacks I get when i'm at work, generally I can deal with. I leave. I go into the bathroom for a few minutes and try to breathe, or I just ask to go home early. It doesn't always work, but it is easier to deal with than the night anxieties, because at night, I am alone. I am in bed, and those are all the things I would normally do if I was having a daytime attack. So what do I do when all my normal remedies are not working?
After years of dealing with this and not knowing what is going on, I've finally come more to terms with it and realized that I'm not crazy, and that there are a lot of people in the world who deal with anxiety and depression every day of their lives and many have it far worse than I do. When I'm having an episode, all I ask is that you please do not yell at me if I'm not doing something properly. Please do not tell me I'm being ridiculous. And please do not make me do something I am not comfortable with, even if I say I am. If I seem uneasy, it's because I really am feeling horrible and just want to be alone. Last but not least, please, please, do NOT laugh at me when I say I've had a nightmare about spiders again.
All You Need is Love...
A few weeks ago, some friends and I were having a discussion about life and relationships, when a question regarding inter-religious relationships arose. "Is it possible/wise to date/marry someone of a different religious belief than yourself?" While the popular vote was that it is important to find someone who believes the same as you do, I begged to differ.
While it is true that two people from completely opposite ends of the spectrum, such as Christianity and Wiccanism, would not be likely to stand much of a chance together, many other religions have at least some similarities. With Christians and Muslims for example, even though Christians believe in Jesus and Muslims believe in the prophet Mohammed, they are both united under the same God. My point is that if they are willing to support and respect one another, they can make it work. I truly believe that humans should be able to co-exist in this way otherwise the idea of world peace will remain nothing but a dream.
As much as we all wish that world peace will happen at some point in the future, the fear of learning to understand other cultures holds us back. If we just put in the effort to get to know one another and understand how we work and how we think, we will come to realize that we aren’t so different after all and in the end, we all want the same thing in life. If we refuse to expect it of ourselves, that we can possibly understand or even love someone who’s beliefs are different than our own, how can we possibly expect it of the world? We are all the bricks that hold this world together and if one brick crumbles, the others have to work that much harder to keep it together. If another one crumbles, the load gets heavier still. We cannot rely on our neighbors to make world peace happen if we ourselves refuse to put in the effort.
As for children, I’ve heard from many people that putting kids in the situation where mom believes one thing and dad believes another is confusing and damaging to the child. Again, I cannot agree with this. When mom says it’s ok to get your ears pierced and dad says hell no, the kid is confused as to what to do. Does that mean the parents should not be together? Of course not. On the contrary, I believe that children with parents of different views and perspectives (and religions, for the sake of my argument) are a lot more able to make their own decisions and to make them wise decisions, as they have learnt to figure things out on their own, to not just believe what they are told to believe, just because they were told that it was so. Bringing your child up in a home where the parents are of different cultures/religions and yet live together harmoniously will teach a child tolerance and respect of others and it will show them how important it is to be open-minded.
I’m not saying that it is wrong to marry someone who is the same culture, religion and background as you, I am merely asking that you don’t completely shut the idea out. If we say world peace will never happen, then we are damning it to failure, but if we believe there is a way and everyone does their part, piece by piece, we will find a way.
While it is true that two people from completely opposite ends of the spectrum, such as Christianity and Wiccanism, would not be likely to stand much of a chance together, many other religions have at least some similarities. With Christians and Muslims for example, even though Christians believe in Jesus and Muslims believe in the prophet Mohammed, they are both united under the same God. My point is that if they are willing to support and respect one another, they can make it work. I truly believe that humans should be able to co-exist in this way otherwise the idea of world peace will remain nothing but a dream.
As much as we all wish that world peace will happen at some point in the future, the fear of learning to understand other cultures holds us back. If we just put in the effort to get to know one another and understand how we work and how we think, we will come to realize that we aren’t so different after all and in the end, we all want the same thing in life. If we refuse to expect it of ourselves, that we can possibly understand or even love someone who’s beliefs are different than our own, how can we possibly expect it of the world? We are all the bricks that hold this world together and if one brick crumbles, the others have to work that much harder to keep it together. If another one crumbles, the load gets heavier still. We cannot rely on our neighbors to make world peace happen if we ourselves refuse to put in the effort.
As for children, I’ve heard from many people that putting kids in the situation where mom believes one thing and dad believes another is confusing and damaging to the child. Again, I cannot agree with this. When mom says it’s ok to get your ears pierced and dad says hell no, the kid is confused as to what to do. Does that mean the parents should not be together? Of course not. On the contrary, I believe that children with parents of different views and perspectives (and religions, for the sake of my argument) are a lot more able to make their own decisions and to make them wise decisions, as they have learnt to figure things out on their own, to not just believe what they are told to believe, just because they were told that it was so. Bringing your child up in a home where the parents are of different cultures/religions and yet live together harmoniously will teach a child tolerance and respect of others and it will show them how important it is to be open-minded.
I’m not saying that it is wrong to marry someone who is the same culture, religion and background as you, I am merely asking that you don’t completely shut the idea out. If we say world peace will never happen, then we are damning it to failure, but if we believe there is a way and everyone does their part, piece by piece, we will find a way.
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