Since when is being the best person you can be a bad thing? after many months and years of hating the person i'd become and finally deciding to do something about it and change the things i didnt like about myself, i've come to realize no matter who you are and what you do, life will always throw you lemons.
i keep thinking that life should be like the movies, where it's so obvious when a person has an "aha!" moment. like the person you've offended hears just the right song at just the right moment and realizes "shit, that person was actually trying to do something right and i just threw it in their face."
i feel like i've grown so incredibly much in the past few months, i can't even describe it. and yet people still see the person i used to be and the bad traits i've had in the past. sure, they may be things i'm still dealing with - my self confidence still isn't amazing, and i am a bit of a paranoid freak-o, but i'm working SO hard to control that. i think i'm doing a pretty decent job. rome wasn't built in a day, after all. whenever i do start to get confident about something, someone comes and throws me down, or i just look like a complete ass. and when i let my guard down, i become weak. there is never a happy medium. you either have too much of a heart or not enough.
every time i try to do something good, and show people i care, it somehow backfires and makes me look bad. i tried to get over my fear or needles and give blood, but since i went to paraguay, (which is a high risk for malaria there) i can't for another year, provided i do everything else right too.
i allow myself to be vulnerable and like someone again, and somehow i managed to screw that up too, when i dont even know how that happened.
it always seems that when something goes right for me, it does not last long at all, and somehow manages to go down the hardest way possible. and people wonder why i'm paranoid.
i feel like i'm a good person, but correct me if i'm wrong. a friend of mine always jokes around and calls me "popular" because i have a lot of friends apparently. which i do, but truth be told, i'd rather have 4 best friends than 30 friends that i see once every few million months. as much as i love each and every one of those friends, it's nice to have a few people that you can count on as much as they can count on you.
i realize this is kinda all over the place, but that's really where my brain's at at the moment.
i guess i just have to repeat to myself a few wise words from Emily Whitehurst:
1) above the clouds, there's always sun.
and my favorite:
2) Be what you're becoming and not who you were.
