“Does anyone know how to do a self-breast exam?” wasn’t what most people expected to hear from the young man whose were arms covered in tattoos and was wearing a black T-shirt that had a band’s name scrawled across the front.
This was Skate 4 Cancer, and the man had just finished announcing the winners of the most recent skateboarding competition earlier that day at the Forks skate park in Winnipeg, Manitoba. With the sun beating down hard as a local band set up on stage behind him, he called the teens and young adults to come closer to the stage and listen as he pulled up a younger girl in bright purple tank top, and long, blonde funky hair sticking up in all directions.
She began to demonstrate and explain to the audience the simple steps to checking for breast lumps and abnormalities. Acting sexy? No, trying to save lives.
When Skate 4 Cancer founder Rob Dyer set off on his first skate tour at age 20, he had no idea what his dream would become. Seeing all the important women in his life suffer from cancer, he decided that he wanted to help out, and since skateboarding was what he knew best, he picked up his skateboard and threw on his skate shoes and planned a skate tour to raise funds.
Only a few months before he was to begin his tour, he lost both grandmothers, one to stomach cancer, and the other to brain cancer. He was devastated, but that only brought more motivation. Then, as if he needed more reason to raise money, his mother passed away from a type of brain cancer similar to her mother’s.
Now, as Dyer skates his third tour since the beginning, first crossing New Zealand and then following up with Australia, he hopes to bring his message to the rest of the world. With every push of his board, he hopes that kids of all ages will
hear what he has to say, that while raising funds is fantastic and extremely helpful, he believes that “Knowledge is the Cure” and the best way to prevent cancer is to become educated on the subject, and to lead a healthy lifestyle.
Even if you never plan on going to a Skate 4 Cancer event, the message that it sends applies to all of us. Cancer affects us all, and the more we know about it and how to lessen our chances of this predatory disease growing in our bodies, the more time we’ll have to do the things we love.
A few months after the concert, I had the privilege of sitting down with one of the most inspiring women I have ever come across: Hildy Janzen not only fought –and beat- cancer twice –ovarian the first time, and breast cancer the second - but also lost her husband to prostate cancer in between her own illnesses, and somehow managed to keep her chin up throughout. I asked her a few questions about her experience, and she gladly shared her knowledge.
One of the most important issues that she pressed was to get to know your body and to visit your doctor as soon as you notice anything unusual.
Ignoring abnormalities in your everyday health can prove to be fatal if they are not looked after right away, often decreasing your chances of beating the disease. The longer cancer sits in your body, the more it has the chance to spread.
Performing regular self-examinations and going in for screenings are major factors in detecting cancer early. Though it is most often women that are subject to breast cancer, it’s important that men know how to do a self breast exam as well, not only so they can detect it in their partners, but also in the rare chance that they themselves might have it.
“The way my doctor showed me to do [a breast exam] is to take the flat of your fingers and starting from the top, touch all the way around your breast. Also, don’t forget to feel under the armpit,” Janzen said.
It is important to get to know your breasts and learn how lumpy they are, because some women have naturally lumpy breasts, whereas others don’t, and if you know what type you are, you will be better able to detect anything out of the ordinary, she said. Performing this check often, at least once a month is one way to be sure that you can catch any changes.
Along with keeping up to date with screenings and vaccinations, living a healthy lifestyle contributes greatly in reducing your risks of any kind of cancer. According to the Mayo Clinic website, maintaining a healthy weight and getting regular exercise are among the top ways of lowering your risks. Being physically active for as little as thirty minutes at least three times a week is a good start if you are not normally active. Something as simple as going for a walk after dinner can help tremendously. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor or physiotherapist if you’re not sure how to start and need help coming up with a safe exercise plan for yourself.
Regular exercise also helps reduce stress, something that Janzen believes deeply affected the onset of her cancer. But don’t let that be an excuse to stay in a severely stressful situation, she advised. Mull over your situation and ask yourself, “Is this worth getting sick over?”
“The year I got sick, I was the fittest I have ever been,” Janzen told me. “They tell you to eat right and to exercise, which I think helps to an extent, but I believe if the cancer cells are [in your body], then they are there and in my case, not getting out of a stressful work situation when I should have contributed to my decrease in health.”
Battling cancer once isn’t easy on anyone, never mind twice. “The will to live [helped me beat this],” she told me. “I don’t like when people feel sorry for me. Whenever I cried, I did it alone. Around people, I put on a brave face. Singing in the church choir whenever I could. Music is such a powerful healing tool.”
Here’s the most important bit of advice Janzen gives to anyone who is suffering with cancer and going through chemo:
“You know yourself better than anyone. Don’t be afraid to tell the doctors if you can’t handle it anymore. Doctors know statistics, but you know how much you can take. I stopped my chemo at twenty-five out of thirty sessions because it was just too much for me. I’m pretty sure that if I had gone on, the chemo would have killed me.”
“People will always give you advice, which is nice to an extent, but ultimately, you are the one who has to deal with it, so make sure you listen to your body and know when to speak up for yourself.”
The cases of Hildy Janzen and Rob Dyer’s family attest to the importance of getting to know your family’s disease history. Talking to your doctor about your medical background can help you learn to spot when trouble is brewing, hopefully before anything life-threatening occurs.
So the next time you see a “punk skateboarder” rolling down the street and showing off his tricks, use it as a reminder. Remember Rob Dyer’s mission, and the message behind it. None of us is invincible, no matter how old or young; and remember: the cure is knowledge.
- Karis Funk
Friday, June 4, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
What's the big deal, Twitchy McGee?
One thing I've been dealing with and have slowly began to come to terms with is the fact that i suffer from anxiety. I think it's something that's been going on in my life for longer than i realized, i just really had no idea what anxiety was - that it was actually a problem that other people dealt with besides me - until i witnessed a friend of mine at hair school battle with anxiety issues.
In the past few years since i began to realize what was actually going on with me, i've had my ups and downs. It used to come in phases, staying away for a month or two at a time, and then hitting me hard. Especially when i was under a lot of financial stress and decided to take up 3 part time jobs, working back to back, with only sundays off (and sometimes even working then). I would wake up with anxiety, go to sleep with anxiety... dream anxiety. it was too much and my body was exhausted. so, after a breakdown at one of my jobs one day, i realized it was time for me to quit one of my jobs, to take better care of myself and not put so much stress on my body - i needed rest.
i started to notice things that i never had realized before. Simple things like driving home from work, when a sudden, overwhelming happiness came over me, giving me a feeling of extreme ecstasy, as though i was high on drugs - for no reason at all. My heart would race. i would let out a scream of excitement. Some days i would get super antsy and HAVE to do something NOW, my friends would think i was nuts when i sat there bouncing like a 5 year old as they sat around drinking coffee and having conversation "LETS GO DO SOMETHING!! LETSGOLETSGOLETSGO!!! a few hours later, i would crash. "you're hyper," people would say, but this was different, i could feel it. Not that i dont enjoy being overly happy, but when your mood swings from intense happiness ("good anxiety") to intense fear or dread, where i hyperventilate, shiver uncontrollably as though i'm cold, and/or begin to cry ("bad anxiety," as i call it) it tends to become overwhelming and not so fun.
While I've been working to control my anxiety lately, (i've stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol, i exercise more regularly, i eat healthier, and i balance my work schedule better, to name a few), i've found that nothing has really helped me tremendously. I dont get night attacks often, which is phenomenal, as those, i find, are the worst, since sometimes when i'm having an attack during the day, i go have a nap to calm down, so that's one improvement. however, i still get attacks almost daily.
I, honest to God, hate medication. i dont even take painkillers for my headaches, that's how much i hate it. i take whatever medication i absolutely MUST take. But sometimes, you gotta know when to ask for help. As much as i hate to take meds, i feel like this is one thing i haven't tried yet, so it's something that i probably should talk to my doctor about.
There's so much taboo surrounding antidepressants and anxiety, it seems, which really does not help the person suffering. As soon as you say "i'm on antidepressants" people think you're a suicidal nut. It's one reason i haven't talked to my doctor about it, when in reality it's been on my mind for the past 7 years.
it's really unfortunate, i think, that people who have never suffered from anxiety have no idea and dont understand "what the big deal is" when someone tells them they had an anxiety attack. It honest to God, feels like you're gonna die. Your heart races. your mind races. Your whole body shakes uncontrollably. You feel helpless in your own body. It's different for everyone, but i think many symptoms are the same. I have a friend who gets it so bad that it looks as though he's having a heart attack.
One piece of advice i'd like to offer those of you who have never experienced an attack before, if you are ever in the company of someone who is in the middle of an attack, what do you do? Telling them to relax will probably stress them out more. Offer them a glass of water, a warm blanket, a cup of herbal tea. Something soothing. If they are hyperventilating, give them a paper bag. Tell them some jokes. Apparently you cannot laugh and hyperventilate at the same time. Try to be understanding, not demanding and/or impatient. Everyone is different in how they cope with their anxiety, so feel free to ask them "what can i do to help you?" While they might be too panicked to know what will help, some people know quite well, the strategies that work to calm themselves down, whether they can do it on their own, or whether they need your help. Don't be afraid to ask them, and to let them know that you are there to help, though try not to show too much worry or stress on your person, as those vibes tend to carry on to the victim.
My last words to anyone suffering with anxiety: don't be afraid to ask for help. whether it's from your doctor, or a friend who suffers as well, or something as simple as looking up solutions online. Though there are worse things in life, anxiety and depression are difficult things to live with, and even more so when you have no idea whats going on or how to properly deal with it. Just remember that you are not alone.
In the past few years since i began to realize what was actually going on with me, i've had my ups and downs. It used to come in phases, staying away for a month or two at a time, and then hitting me hard. Especially when i was under a lot of financial stress and decided to take up 3 part time jobs, working back to back, with only sundays off (and sometimes even working then). I would wake up with anxiety, go to sleep with anxiety... dream anxiety. it was too much and my body was exhausted. so, after a breakdown at one of my jobs one day, i realized it was time for me to quit one of my jobs, to take better care of myself and not put so much stress on my body - i needed rest.
i started to notice things that i never had realized before. Simple things like driving home from work, when a sudden, overwhelming happiness came over me, giving me a feeling of extreme ecstasy, as though i was high on drugs - for no reason at all. My heart would race. i would let out a scream of excitement. Some days i would get super antsy and HAVE to do something NOW, my friends would think i was nuts when i sat there bouncing like a 5 year old as they sat around drinking coffee and having conversation "LETS GO DO SOMETHING!! LETSGOLETSGOLETSGO!!! a few hours later, i would crash. "you're hyper," people would say, but this was different, i could feel it. Not that i dont enjoy being overly happy, but when your mood swings from intense happiness ("good anxiety") to intense fear or dread, where i hyperventilate, shiver uncontrollably as though i'm cold, and/or begin to cry ("bad anxiety," as i call it) it tends to become overwhelming and not so fun.
While I've been working to control my anxiety lately, (i've stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol, i exercise more regularly, i eat healthier, and i balance my work schedule better, to name a few), i've found that nothing has really helped me tremendously. I dont get night attacks often, which is phenomenal, as those, i find, are the worst, since sometimes when i'm having an attack during the day, i go have a nap to calm down, so that's one improvement. however, i still get attacks almost daily.
I, honest to God, hate medication. i dont even take painkillers for my headaches, that's how much i hate it. i take whatever medication i absolutely MUST take. But sometimes, you gotta know when to ask for help. As much as i hate to take meds, i feel like this is one thing i haven't tried yet, so it's something that i probably should talk to my doctor about.
There's so much taboo surrounding antidepressants and anxiety, it seems, which really does not help the person suffering. As soon as you say "i'm on antidepressants" people think you're a suicidal nut. It's one reason i haven't talked to my doctor about it, when in reality it's been on my mind for the past 7 years.
it's really unfortunate, i think, that people who have never suffered from anxiety have no idea and dont understand "what the big deal is" when someone tells them they had an anxiety attack. It honest to God, feels like you're gonna die. Your heart races. your mind races. Your whole body shakes uncontrollably. You feel helpless in your own body. It's different for everyone, but i think many symptoms are the same. I have a friend who gets it so bad that it looks as though he's having a heart attack.
One piece of advice i'd like to offer those of you who have never experienced an attack before, if you are ever in the company of someone who is in the middle of an attack, what do you do? Telling them to relax will probably stress them out more. Offer them a glass of water, a warm blanket, a cup of herbal tea. Something soothing. If they are hyperventilating, give them a paper bag. Tell them some jokes. Apparently you cannot laugh and hyperventilate at the same time. Try to be understanding, not demanding and/or impatient. Everyone is different in how they cope with their anxiety, so feel free to ask them "what can i do to help you?" While they might be too panicked to know what will help, some people know quite well, the strategies that work to calm themselves down, whether they can do it on their own, or whether they need your help. Don't be afraid to ask them, and to let them know that you are there to help, though try not to show too much worry or stress on your person, as those vibes tend to carry on to the victim.
My last words to anyone suffering with anxiety: don't be afraid to ask for help. whether it's from your doctor, or a friend who suffers as well, or something as simple as looking up solutions online. Though there are worse things in life, anxiety and depression are difficult things to live with, and even more so when you have no idea whats going on or how to properly deal with it. Just remember that you are not alone.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Growing Up Karis
It’s funny how we think we’ve grown so much over time, and we think, “finally, I am getting somewhere. I’m coming into myself.” And then shit happens, you deal with it, you laugh, you cry. You grow apart from old friends; you meet new ones. You travel the world.
I cannot digress how much I have changed over the past few years. Sometimes for the worst, and others for the best. But I think finally, after 4 years of not having a clue, of trying to figure out “what is the point?” I think I’m finally progressing in a direction that I am more than proud of.
I’ve written about my weight loss in previous entries, so I won’t go into too much detail about that. I’m still working on it, and even though I’ve had some set backs, I know that I can do it and reach my goal to leading a healthier and more energized life.
That is just one of the many ways I have been working toward my ultimate life goal – genuine happiness with myself as a person and where I am in each moment of my life.
This has probably been the hardest for me to achieve, as I’ve been dealing with some form of depression and anxiety for as much of my life as I can remember. I always found it so easy to just feel sorry for myself, no matter what the situation, and to sink into a pool of self-pity.
When I was in my first year out of high school, I had the unfortunate experience of being sexually assaulted when I was at my lowest point in my faith with God, and met a guy online who seemed to be interested in my thoughts as he himself claimed to be a pastors child (P.K. for future reference). I always found growing up a PK difficult, because I felt that perfection was projected on me, as my behaviors would illuminate the kind of person that my father was outside of the Sunday morning church services. So when this guy offered to share experiences and help me sort out my issues with the church and with God, I figured, why not.
Long story short, he ended up just using my vulnerability, naivety and trust in humanity to his own benefit, and to the misfortune of mine. Though luckily I did have the courage to get out before things got too far.
That was my first encounter with the so-called “Real World,” the world outside my sheltered Mennonite life. I let that experience affect so much of how I thought of myself, so much of whom I was. I didn’t know anything anymore. My whole world was shaken.
From then on, I felt insecure about men; I felt that attention from guys that I knew deep down I was “way better than” (for lack of a better term) was how I needed to deal with my insecurities. The relationships I’ve had since then have only dragged me down and made me feel worse and worse about myself. Having days –weeks even- that a situation with guy would make me feel so worthless that I would lay in bed, moping all day long and eating away my emotions.
Well, my friends, there is a point to my rambling little sob story. It is that shit happens. Bad experiences are part of life. It’s how we learn, how we grow. As hard as these experiences were for me to deal with, they have helped shape me into someone I am finally proud of being. I am finally able to stand on my own two feet and say “This is who I am. This is what I want, and this is what I deserve.” And I will settle for no less.
After the last ordeal with a guy I was seeing gone completely wrong, I somehow felt different. I was able to put my foot down and say, “you know what, no. I can do far better than this.” I finally realized that we are dealt certain cards and how we play them out and what we make of the outcomes are up to us. We make our own happiness. We can choose to whip out the worlds smallest violin and play a sad song for ourselves, crying the days away. But people get sick of that. No one wants to willingly be around a person who drags him or her down.
I decided I was going to learn to make the best out of all the situations life throws me in. And you know what, I think the people around me have noticed this. Before, I always felt as though I had no friends, and suddenly, they surround me. People mean so much more to me now that I respect myself, and their opinions don’t hinder me like they once did. I love my life, and I am not only excited for the future, but I am truly enjoying living in the present.
There’s not much else I can say. I am growing every day, and will till the day I die. I’ll have my fallbacks. As long as I have my friends and my family to support me and remember that life is so much more than moping about. There is a whole world out there, and I want to experience all of it, grinning from ear to ear.
I cannot digress how much I have changed over the past few years. Sometimes for the worst, and others for the best. But I think finally, after 4 years of not having a clue, of trying to figure out “what is the point?” I think I’m finally progressing in a direction that I am more than proud of.
I’ve written about my weight loss in previous entries, so I won’t go into too much detail about that. I’m still working on it, and even though I’ve had some set backs, I know that I can do it and reach my goal to leading a healthier and more energized life.
That is just one of the many ways I have been working toward my ultimate life goal – genuine happiness with myself as a person and where I am in each moment of my life.
This has probably been the hardest for me to achieve, as I’ve been dealing with some form of depression and anxiety for as much of my life as I can remember. I always found it so easy to just feel sorry for myself, no matter what the situation, and to sink into a pool of self-pity.
When I was in my first year out of high school, I had the unfortunate experience of being sexually assaulted when I was at my lowest point in my faith with God, and met a guy online who seemed to be interested in my thoughts as he himself claimed to be a pastors child (P.K. for future reference). I always found growing up a PK difficult, because I felt that perfection was projected on me, as my behaviors would illuminate the kind of person that my father was outside of the Sunday morning church services. So when this guy offered to share experiences and help me sort out my issues with the church and with God, I figured, why not.
Long story short, he ended up just using my vulnerability, naivety and trust in humanity to his own benefit, and to the misfortune of mine. Though luckily I did have the courage to get out before things got too far.
That was my first encounter with the so-called “Real World,” the world outside my sheltered Mennonite life. I let that experience affect so much of how I thought of myself, so much of whom I was. I didn’t know anything anymore. My whole world was shaken.
From then on, I felt insecure about men; I felt that attention from guys that I knew deep down I was “way better than” (for lack of a better term) was how I needed to deal with my insecurities. The relationships I’ve had since then have only dragged me down and made me feel worse and worse about myself. Having days –weeks even- that a situation with guy would make me feel so worthless that I would lay in bed, moping all day long and eating away my emotions.
Well, my friends, there is a point to my rambling little sob story. It is that shit happens. Bad experiences are part of life. It’s how we learn, how we grow. As hard as these experiences were for me to deal with, they have helped shape me into someone I am finally proud of being. I am finally able to stand on my own two feet and say “This is who I am. This is what I want, and this is what I deserve.” And I will settle for no less.
After the last ordeal with a guy I was seeing gone completely wrong, I somehow felt different. I was able to put my foot down and say, “you know what, no. I can do far better than this.” I finally realized that we are dealt certain cards and how we play them out and what we make of the outcomes are up to us. We make our own happiness. We can choose to whip out the worlds smallest violin and play a sad song for ourselves, crying the days away. But people get sick of that. No one wants to willingly be around a person who drags him or her down.
I decided I was going to learn to make the best out of all the situations life throws me in. And you know what, I think the people around me have noticed this. Before, I always felt as though I had no friends, and suddenly, they surround me. People mean so much more to me now that I respect myself, and their opinions don’t hinder me like they once did. I love my life, and I am not only excited for the future, but I am truly enjoying living in the present.
There’s not much else I can say. I am growing every day, and will till the day I die. I’ll have my fallbacks. As long as I have my friends and my family to support me and remember that life is so much more than moping about. There is a whole world out there, and I want to experience all of it, grinning from ear to ear.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
No, I'm not ready for a hell hell no, for a hell hell no!
I have never had epiphanies at a concert so much as i had tonight when i saw Tegan and Sara live for the first time. Something about this show just felt different than usual. Normally, when i go to a concert, i dance like i've never danced before and sing along at the top of my lungs, but today, i just felt like listening and watching, soaking in every word and every note played.
At one point, Sara shared a story about when she was 8 or 9 and got to see the New Kids on the Block, and just the awe that she experienced, the overwhelming feeling that there was someone famous, who she looked up to and loved in the same building as her.
This got me to thinking; i love singing more than pretty much anything else on this planet. One of my top goals on my Bucket List that i've been working on the past few weeks is to start a band and go on tour, and do what i love and spread what i have to say to all who will listen. Thinking about this, i looked out into the crowed below me (we sat up in the balcony) and at all the people around me, and thought, wow, if my dreams are so big, i wonder who else has similar dreams, or even bigger dreams. Maybe this girl sitting beside me will be the girl who cures cancer. Maybe that guy who's got his arm up in the air, singing his heart out down in the 4th row, maybe he's gonna win a gold medal for Canada. Or the young girl dancing like an idiot, who knows, maybe she's the next Picasso, Van Gogh... maybe there's a Bach out there, a Coco Chanel.
What i'm getting at, is that everyone has dreams. Whether they realize it at this moment or not, everyone wants something more from their life. Everyone wants to make something of themselves. And everyone is good at something, AMAZING even. Next time someone shuts you down and tells you that you will never be able to do what you dream of doing, be who you dream of being, whatever it may be, listen to a band you love. watch some paraplegic basketball. someone told them once they couldn't make it, and look at what they've accomplished. you can do anything you set your mind to, and if you want it bad enough, determination and hard work and learning from criticism - good or bad - will get you there.
So Shine, little star, I believe in you.
Yes, you.
At one point, Sara shared a story about when she was 8 or 9 and got to see the New Kids on the Block, and just the awe that she experienced, the overwhelming feeling that there was someone famous, who she looked up to and loved in the same building as her.
This got me to thinking; i love singing more than pretty much anything else on this planet. One of my top goals on my Bucket List that i've been working on the past few weeks is to start a band and go on tour, and do what i love and spread what i have to say to all who will listen. Thinking about this, i looked out into the crowed below me (we sat up in the balcony) and at all the people around me, and thought, wow, if my dreams are so big, i wonder who else has similar dreams, or even bigger dreams. Maybe this girl sitting beside me will be the girl who cures cancer. Maybe that guy who's got his arm up in the air, singing his heart out down in the 4th row, maybe he's gonna win a gold medal for Canada. Or the young girl dancing like an idiot, who knows, maybe she's the next Picasso, Van Gogh... maybe there's a Bach out there, a Coco Chanel.
What i'm getting at, is that everyone has dreams. Whether they realize it at this moment or not, everyone wants something more from their life. Everyone wants to make something of themselves. And everyone is good at something, AMAZING even. Next time someone shuts you down and tells you that you will never be able to do what you dream of doing, be who you dream of being, whatever it may be, listen to a band you love. watch some paraplegic basketball. someone told them once they couldn't make it, and look at what they've accomplished. you can do anything you set your mind to, and if you want it bad enough, determination and hard work and learning from criticism - good or bad - will get you there.
So Shine, little star, I believe in you.
Yes, you.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
the Year of Reinvention
Figuring out who you are isn't fun, no matter how old you are. I always thought that by 21 I would have had it all figured out. But in all honesty, I feel like I'm 13 all over again.
When I got my tattoo almost a year ago, I decided that this meant I had to live up to it.
"20 Going On..."
"Be what you're becoming, and not who you were. grab hold of the here and now while you still have a chance."
Until recently, i've felt like the person at the beginning of the song. If you're unfamiliar with this song by my favorite band Tsunami Bomb, let me recap. Basically, it's about a guy who's 20, or around that age, but feels like an old man. He's done nothing with his life and wasted it away and looking back, has nothing to be proud of. He may have had a life at some point earlier on, but it has all gone down the drain. In the song, Em (the singer) is telling this guy that he can do anything he wants if he only lets himself. "Build me and ocean and destroy it with your eyes," she says.
That guy that Em was singing to was me for the past few years of my life. I used to love playing guitar. It was all I did. I played for hours every day and didnt give up on a song until I nailed it. I was getting pretty good. I played sports all the time. I loved football and soccer, and roller hockey. Even though I wasn't on any teams, I called up the guys all the time to play, and I wasn't half bad either - for a girl. I had fun. I lived my life. I was happy.
Then a few bad things happened, and instead of using those bad things to make me stronger, I let them consume me. I let them take over my life and ruin it. I gained too much weight, I got lazy. I stopped playing guitar. I stopped playing sports - I even resented them. Later on, I started to make drinking on my own a bad habit, when I was having a bad day, going to the liquor mart and downing a bottle and a half - or more - of wine to myself within half an hour, and sulking in my room alone, or laughing it off to a parent, or a friend, pretending like everything was fine.
The past few years, my life has been ruled by fear. While I have had courage to do things other people might find stupid or irresponsible, like flying out to California on my own to meet someone in person for the first time, I held back from doing things here and now that I really truly wanted to do. I put them off and said "one day," because I was too afraid.
When I got my tattoo, I decided that it meant I couldn't keep living my life the way I was anymore. Every day I had a reminder burnt onto my skin, telling me to face my fears and live my life. It's been a challenge and I have so far to go, but I'm proud of how far I've come.
I joined a weightloss program in June this year and since, have lost 35 lbs. I now fit my grad dress better than I did when i actually graduated.
I joined a soccer team last week that will be starting up in October. I'm so excited to be playing again! Soccer was always such a stress reliever for me, and I loved every minute I spent on the field, and I can't wait to have this feeling and adrenaline back, and to be active and meet new people.
I'm picking up guitar again. I started doing covers on my own recently, and realizing how much of it I've lost makes it challenging, but I'm not giving up. I'm even going back to guitar lessons in the next few weeks!
I'm finishing things I once started. I have a horrible habit of knowing I have to do something, but putting it off because of fear. Fear of failing. Fear of talking to someone (on the phone or in person, whatever it is). Fear of changing. I've been putting off my hairstylist exam for quite some time now, by not handing in my apprenticeship form, but it's something I have to do. Exams are scary for everyone, and I have to realize that if I work hard and grab it by the horns, I can conquer this too, and move on to bigger and better things, and become the hairstylist I've wanted to be.
I'm working toward moving to Toronto in the next year, so I can be with my best friend, and live in a city that inspires me instead of dragging me down.
I'm learning to do things for myself instead of always putting other people and their opinions first. I will always be a genuine, caring person, who thinks of others before herself and wants to do good in the world, but I'm learning to not let myself be a pushover and to let people take advantage of my kindness. I guess all this comes with my ever growing confidence in myself and who I'm becoming.
I rarely drink anymore, not only because my diet won't allow me to, but after a scary experience with my brother, I realized that life is too short and fragile, and there are too many people in my life who care about me and it's not worth hurting them. Solving problems and taking them head on is so much more rewarding afterward than drinking your weights worth of alcohol and getting plastered. Making problems go away for good is far better than trying to forget they are there.
I'm about half way to my goal weight, and well on my way to becoming the strong and confident woman I've always dreamt of being. It scares the shit out of me every day, and some days are harder than others, but I won't give up now, not when I'm so close.
My parents and I were sitting around the bonfire one evening last week, when I got up and said "Hold on, I have to get something." I came back with my "fat pants", the largest pair I have ever worn, and said "fuck this" as i threw them into the fire.
"Why are you burning your pants?" dad asked.
"I'm saying goodbye to the person I was," I explained, "and promising myself never to let that happen again. To keep living my life no matter how hard it gets."
Look out world, here I come. Slowly but surely, I will conquer.
When I got my tattoo almost a year ago, I decided that this meant I had to live up to it.
"20 Going On..."
"Be what you're becoming, and not who you were. grab hold of the here and now while you still have a chance."
Until recently, i've felt like the person at the beginning of the song. If you're unfamiliar with this song by my favorite band Tsunami Bomb, let me recap. Basically, it's about a guy who's 20, or around that age, but feels like an old man. He's done nothing with his life and wasted it away and looking back, has nothing to be proud of. He may have had a life at some point earlier on, but it has all gone down the drain. In the song, Em (the singer) is telling this guy that he can do anything he wants if he only lets himself. "Build me and ocean and destroy it with your eyes," she says.
That guy that Em was singing to was me for the past few years of my life. I used to love playing guitar. It was all I did. I played for hours every day and didnt give up on a song until I nailed it. I was getting pretty good. I played sports all the time. I loved football and soccer, and roller hockey. Even though I wasn't on any teams, I called up the guys all the time to play, and I wasn't half bad either - for a girl. I had fun. I lived my life. I was happy.
Then a few bad things happened, and instead of using those bad things to make me stronger, I let them consume me. I let them take over my life and ruin it. I gained too much weight, I got lazy. I stopped playing guitar. I stopped playing sports - I even resented them. Later on, I started to make drinking on my own a bad habit, when I was having a bad day, going to the liquor mart and downing a bottle and a half - or more - of wine to myself within half an hour, and sulking in my room alone, or laughing it off to a parent, or a friend, pretending like everything was fine.
The past few years, my life has been ruled by fear. While I have had courage to do things other people might find stupid or irresponsible, like flying out to California on my own to meet someone in person for the first time, I held back from doing things here and now that I really truly wanted to do. I put them off and said "one day," because I was too afraid.
When I got my tattoo, I decided that it meant I couldn't keep living my life the way I was anymore. Every day I had a reminder burnt onto my skin, telling me to face my fears and live my life. It's been a challenge and I have so far to go, but I'm proud of how far I've come.
I joined a weightloss program in June this year and since, have lost 35 lbs. I now fit my grad dress better than I did when i actually graduated.
I joined a soccer team last week that will be starting up in October. I'm so excited to be playing again! Soccer was always such a stress reliever for me, and I loved every minute I spent on the field, and I can't wait to have this feeling and adrenaline back, and to be active and meet new people.
I'm picking up guitar again. I started doing covers on my own recently, and realizing how much of it I've lost makes it challenging, but I'm not giving up. I'm even going back to guitar lessons in the next few weeks!
I'm finishing things I once started. I have a horrible habit of knowing I have to do something, but putting it off because of fear. Fear of failing. Fear of talking to someone (on the phone or in person, whatever it is). Fear of changing. I've been putting off my hairstylist exam for quite some time now, by not handing in my apprenticeship form, but it's something I have to do. Exams are scary for everyone, and I have to realize that if I work hard and grab it by the horns, I can conquer this too, and move on to bigger and better things, and become the hairstylist I've wanted to be.
I'm working toward moving to Toronto in the next year, so I can be with my best friend, and live in a city that inspires me instead of dragging me down.
I'm learning to do things for myself instead of always putting other people and their opinions first. I will always be a genuine, caring person, who thinks of others before herself and wants to do good in the world, but I'm learning to not let myself be a pushover and to let people take advantage of my kindness. I guess all this comes with my ever growing confidence in myself and who I'm becoming.
I rarely drink anymore, not only because my diet won't allow me to, but after a scary experience with my brother, I realized that life is too short and fragile, and there are too many people in my life who care about me and it's not worth hurting them. Solving problems and taking them head on is so much more rewarding afterward than drinking your weights worth of alcohol and getting plastered. Making problems go away for good is far better than trying to forget they are there.
I'm about half way to my goal weight, and well on my way to becoming the strong and confident woman I've always dreamt of being. It scares the shit out of me every day, and some days are harder than others, but I won't give up now, not when I'm so close.
My parents and I were sitting around the bonfire one evening last week, when I got up and said "Hold on, I have to get something." I came back with my "fat pants", the largest pair I have ever worn, and said "fuck this" as i threw them into the fire.
"Why are you burning your pants?" dad asked.
"I'm saying goodbye to the person I was," I explained, "and promising myself never to let that happen again. To keep living my life no matter how hard it gets."
Look out world, here I come. Slowly but surely, I will conquer.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
How Have I Become Forgotten?
Since when is being the best person you can be a bad thing? after many months and years of hating the person i'd become and finally deciding to do something about it and change the things i didnt like about myself, i've come to realize no matter who you are and what you do, life will always throw you lemons.
i keep thinking that life should be like the movies, where it's so obvious when a person has an "aha!" moment. like the person you've offended hears just the right song at just the right moment and realizes "shit, that person was actually trying to do something right and i just threw it in their face."
i feel like i've grown so incredibly much in the past few months, i can't even describe it. and yet people still see the person i used to be and the bad traits i've had in the past. sure, they may be things i'm still dealing with - my self confidence still isn't amazing, and i am a bit of a paranoid freak-o, but i'm working SO hard to control that. i think i'm doing a pretty decent job. rome wasn't built in a day, after all. whenever i do start to get confident about something, someone comes and throws me down, or i just look like a complete ass. and when i let my guard down, i become weak. there is never a happy medium. you either have too much of a heart or not enough.
every time i try to do something good, and show people i care, it somehow backfires and makes me look bad. i tried to get over my fear or needles and give blood, but since i went to paraguay, (which is a high risk for malaria there) i can't for another year, provided i do everything else right too.
i allow myself to be vulnerable and like someone again, and somehow i managed to screw that up too, when i dont even know how that happened.
it always seems that when something goes right for me, it does not last long at all, and somehow manages to go down the hardest way possible. and people wonder why i'm paranoid.
i feel like i'm a good person, but correct me if i'm wrong. a friend of mine always jokes around and calls me "popular" because i have a lot of friends apparently. which i do, but truth be told, i'd rather have 4 best friends than 30 friends that i see once every few million months. as much as i love each and every one of those friends, it's nice to have a few people that you can count on as much as they can count on you.
i realize this is kinda all over the place, but that's really where my brain's at at the moment.
i guess i just have to repeat to myself a few wise words from Emily Whitehurst:
1) above the clouds, there's always sun.
and my favorite:
2) Be what you're becoming and not who you were.
i keep thinking that life should be like the movies, where it's so obvious when a person has an "aha!" moment. like the person you've offended hears just the right song at just the right moment and realizes "shit, that person was actually trying to do something right and i just threw it in their face."
i feel like i've grown so incredibly much in the past few months, i can't even describe it. and yet people still see the person i used to be and the bad traits i've had in the past. sure, they may be things i'm still dealing with - my self confidence still isn't amazing, and i am a bit of a paranoid freak-o, but i'm working SO hard to control that. i think i'm doing a pretty decent job. rome wasn't built in a day, after all. whenever i do start to get confident about something, someone comes and throws me down, or i just look like a complete ass. and when i let my guard down, i become weak. there is never a happy medium. you either have too much of a heart or not enough.
every time i try to do something good, and show people i care, it somehow backfires and makes me look bad. i tried to get over my fear or needles and give blood, but since i went to paraguay, (which is a high risk for malaria there) i can't for another year, provided i do everything else right too.
i allow myself to be vulnerable and like someone again, and somehow i managed to screw that up too, when i dont even know how that happened.
it always seems that when something goes right for me, it does not last long at all, and somehow manages to go down the hardest way possible. and people wonder why i'm paranoid.
i feel like i'm a good person, but correct me if i'm wrong. a friend of mine always jokes around and calls me "popular" because i have a lot of friends apparently. which i do, but truth be told, i'd rather have 4 best friends than 30 friends that i see once every few million months. as much as i love each and every one of those friends, it's nice to have a few people that you can count on as much as they can count on you.
i realize this is kinda all over the place, but that's really where my brain's at at the moment.
i guess i just have to repeat to myself a few wise words from Emily Whitehurst:
1) above the clouds, there's always sun.
and my favorite:
2) Be what you're becoming and not who you were.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Chemistry of a Car Crash
So, as pretty much everyone knows by now, I was in a car accident a few weeks ago, resulting in a totaled '01 red 2 door Honda Civic. my baby. I rear ended a Ford (or Chevy?... I don't know cars) Colorado LT truck, at about 40-50 km/hr, against which my little car didn't stand a chance. I was fortunate enough to get out with only some whiplash and a few bruises, but the front end of my car looked pretty bad, was leaking fluids like crazy and resulted in about $8000 worth of damage.
I had never been in an accident with another car before, and that's the part that scared me the worst. As I got out of my car, I thought to myself, oh shit, this guy is going to KILL me, I should have been paying better attention! I got nervously out of my car and walked toward the man who's truck I'd hit. Luckily, he didn't look angry, just shocked. I didn't hesitate to apologize repeatedly and had a look at both our vehicles. He said to me, "well, I could yell at you, but that wouldn't really do much. And besides, your car is far worse than mine." I nodded, trying to hide how in shock I still was.
I couldn't have hit a friendlier man. He was about the age of my father, and of course he was a bit bummed out about his truck, but that's what MPI and car insurance is for after all. We had forgotten to swap info besides phone numbers, and we spoke a few times over the next few days trying to get all the info. Each time we spoke, he asked over and over again, "you're still ok? I'm really just glad no one was hurt. You sure you're ok?"
What amazed me the most was how rude so many other drivers were. The road the accident occurred on is a fairly trafficked road, however, it wasn't heavy at the time, yet at least half of the drivers angrily honked at me to move my car out of their way as they drove around me. I was particularly offended by this woman who actually bothered to roll down her window and swear at me in some foreign language. I was so mad, I yelled back at her "DRIVE AROUND IT, BITCH!" My dad laughed when I came and sat beside him as we waited for the tow truck. "I totally thought you were going to go kick her ass," he said. Truth be told, I'd thought about it, but logic told me that I didn't need a charge for assault on top of this.
Even when the tow truck came, people still honked impatiently. I couldn't believe the nerve! Honestly, when a person's just had an accident, the last thing they need are angry drivers honking at them, especially when they can easily drive around.
It's funny, because I always thought, if someone hit my car, I would probably go off on them. But now, after seeing how kind this man was to me, I don't think it would be right of me to yell and swear at someone who hit my car in the future. Depending, of course, on the situation, but no one ever PLANS to have an accident, so I'm going to try to keep that in mind when dealing with (god forbid) any future accidents.
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