Figuring out who you are isn't fun, no matter how old you are. I always thought that by 21 I would have had it all figured out. But in all honesty, I feel like I'm 13 all over again.
When I got my tattoo almost a year ago, I decided that this meant I had to live up to it.
"20 Going On..."
"Be what you're becoming, and not who you were. grab hold of the here and now while you still have a chance."
Until recently, i've felt like the person at the beginning of the song. If you're unfamiliar with this song by my favorite band Tsunami Bomb, let me recap. Basically, it's about a guy who's 20, or around that age, but feels like an old man. He's done nothing with his life and wasted it away and looking back, has nothing to be proud of. He may have had a life at some point earlier on, but it has all gone down the drain. In the song, Em (the singer) is telling this guy that he can do anything he wants if he only lets himself. "Build me and ocean and destroy it with your eyes," she says.
That guy that Em was singing to was me for the past few years of my life. I used to love playing guitar. It was all I did. I played for hours every day and didnt give up on a song until I nailed it. I was getting pretty good. I played sports all the time. I loved football and soccer, and roller hockey. Even though I wasn't on any teams, I called up the guys all the time to play, and I wasn't half bad either - for a girl. I had fun. I lived my life. I was happy.
Then a few bad things happened, and instead of using those bad things to make me stronger, I let them consume me. I let them take over my life and ruin it. I gained too much weight, I got lazy. I stopped playing guitar. I stopped playing sports - I even resented them. Later on, I started to make drinking on my own a bad habit, when I was having a bad day, going to the liquor mart and downing a bottle and a half - or more - of wine to myself within half an hour, and sulking in my room alone, or laughing it off to a parent, or a friend, pretending like everything was fine.
The past few years, my life has been ruled by fear. While I have had courage to do things other people might find stupid or irresponsible, like flying out to California on my own to meet someone in person for the first time, I held back from doing things here and now that I really truly wanted to do. I put them off and said "one day," because I was too afraid.
When I got my tattoo, I decided that it meant I couldn't keep living my life the way I was anymore. Every day I had a reminder burnt onto my skin, telling me to face my fears and live my life. It's been a challenge and I have so far to go, but I'm proud of how far I've come.
I joined a weightloss program in June this year and since, have lost 35 lbs. I now fit my grad dress better than I did when i actually graduated.
I joined a soccer team last week that will be starting up in October. I'm so excited to be playing again! Soccer was always such a stress reliever for me, and I loved every minute I spent on the field, and I can't wait to have this feeling and adrenaline back, and to be active and meet new people.
I'm picking up guitar again. I started doing covers on my own recently, and realizing how much of it I've lost makes it challenging, but I'm not giving up. I'm even going back to guitar lessons in the next few weeks!
I'm finishing things I once started. I have a horrible habit of knowing I have to do something, but putting it off because of fear. Fear of failing. Fear of talking to someone (on the phone or in person, whatever it is). Fear of changing. I've been putting off my hairstylist exam for quite some time now, by not handing in my apprenticeship form, but it's something I have to do. Exams are scary for everyone, and I have to realize that if I work hard and grab it by the horns, I can conquer this too, and move on to bigger and better things, and become the hairstylist I've wanted to be.
I'm working toward moving to Toronto in the next year, so I can be with my best friend, and live in a city that inspires me instead of dragging me down.
I'm learning to do things for myself instead of always putting other people and their opinions first. I will always be a genuine, caring person, who thinks of others before herself and wants to do good in the world, but I'm learning to not let myself be a pushover and to let people take advantage of my kindness. I guess all this comes with my ever growing confidence in myself and who I'm becoming.
I rarely drink anymore, not only because my diet won't allow me to, but after a scary experience with my brother, I realized that life is too short and fragile, and there are too many people in my life who care about me and it's not worth hurting them. Solving problems and taking them head on is so much more rewarding afterward than drinking your weights worth of alcohol and getting plastered. Making problems go away for good is far better than trying to forget they are there.
I'm about half way to my goal weight, and well on my way to becoming the strong and confident woman I've always dreamt of being. It scares the shit out of me every day, and some days are harder than others, but I won't give up now, not when I'm so close.
My parents and I were sitting around the bonfire one evening last week, when I got up and said "Hold on, I have to get something." I came back with my "fat pants", the largest pair I have ever worn, and said "fuck this" as i threw them into the fire.
"Why are you burning your pants?" dad asked.
"I'm saying goodbye to the person I was," I explained, "and promising myself never to let that happen again. To keep living my life no matter how hard it gets."
Look out world, here I come. Slowly but surely, I will conquer.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
How Have I Become Forgotten?
Since when is being the best person you can be a bad thing? after many months and years of hating the person i'd become and finally deciding to do something about it and change the things i didnt like about myself, i've come to realize no matter who you are and what you do, life will always throw you lemons.
i keep thinking that life should be like the movies, where it's so obvious when a person has an "aha!" moment. like the person you've offended hears just the right song at just the right moment and realizes "shit, that person was actually trying to do something right and i just threw it in their face."
i feel like i've grown so incredibly much in the past few months, i can't even describe it. and yet people still see the person i used to be and the bad traits i've had in the past. sure, they may be things i'm still dealing with - my self confidence still isn't amazing, and i am a bit of a paranoid freak-o, but i'm working SO hard to control that. i think i'm doing a pretty decent job. rome wasn't built in a day, after all. whenever i do start to get confident about something, someone comes and throws me down, or i just look like a complete ass. and when i let my guard down, i become weak. there is never a happy medium. you either have too much of a heart or not enough.
every time i try to do something good, and show people i care, it somehow backfires and makes me look bad. i tried to get over my fear or needles and give blood, but since i went to paraguay, (which is a high risk for malaria there) i can't for another year, provided i do everything else right too.
i allow myself to be vulnerable and like someone again, and somehow i managed to screw that up too, when i dont even know how that happened.
it always seems that when something goes right for me, it does not last long at all, and somehow manages to go down the hardest way possible. and people wonder why i'm paranoid.
i feel like i'm a good person, but correct me if i'm wrong. a friend of mine always jokes around and calls me "popular" because i have a lot of friends apparently. which i do, but truth be told, i'd rather have 4 best friends than 30 friends that i see once every few million months. as much as i love each and every one of those friends, it's nice to have a few people that you can count on as much as they can count on you.
i realize this is kinda all over the place, but that's really where my brain's at at the moment.
i guess i just have to repeat to myself a few wise words from Emily Whitehurst:
1) above the clouds, there's always sun.
and my favorite:
2) Be what you're becoming and not who you were.
i keep thinking that life should be like the movies, where it's so obvious when a person has an "aha!" moment. like the person you've offended hears just the right song at just the right moment and realizes "shit, that person was actually trying to do something right and i just threw it in their face."
i feel like i've grown so incredibly much in the past few months, i can't even describe it. and yet people still see the person i used to be and the bad traits i've had in the past. sure, they may be things i'm still dealing with - my self confidence still isn't amazing, and i am a bit of a paranoid freak-o, but i'm working SO hard to control that. i think i'm doing a pretty decent job. rome wasn't built in a day, after all. whenever i do start to get confident about something, someone comes and throws me down, or i just look like a complete ass. and when i let my guard down, i become weak. there is never a happy medium. you either have too much of a heart or not enough.
every time i try to do something good, and show people i care, it somehow backfires and makes me look bad. i tried to get over my fear or needles and give blood, but since i went to paraguay, (which is a high risk for malaria there) i can't for another year, provided i do everything else right too.
i allow myself to be vulnerable and like someone again, and somehow i managed to screw that up too, when i dont even know how that happened.
it always seems that when something goes right for me, it does not last long at all, and somehow manages to go down the hardest way possible. and people wonder why i'm paranoid.
i feel like i'm a good person, but correct me if i'm wrong. a friend of mine always jokes around and calls me "popular" because i have a lot of friends apparently. which i do, but truth be told, i'd rather have 4 best friends than 30 friends that i see once every few million months. as much as i love each and every one of those friends, it's nice to have a few people that you can count on as much as they can count on you.
i realize this is kinda all over the place, but that's really where my brain's at at the moment.
i guess i just have to repeat to myself a few wise words from Emily Whitehurst:
1) above the clouds, there's always sun.
and my favorite:
2) Be what you're becoming and not who you were.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Chemistry of a Car Crash
So, as pretty much everyone knows by now, I was in a car accident a few weeks ago, resulting in a totaled '01 red 2 door Honda Civic. my baby. I rear ended a Ford (or Chevy?... I don't know cars) Colorado LT truck, at about 40-50 km/hr, against which my little car didn't stand a chance. I was fortunate enough to get out with only some whiplash and a few bruises, but the front end of my car looked pretty bad, was leaking fluids like crazy and resulted in about $8000 worth of damage.
I had never been in an accident with another car before, and that's the part that scared me the worst. As I got out of my car, I thought to myself, oh shit, this guy is going to KILL me, I should have been paying better attention! I got nervously out of my car and walked toward the man who's truck I'd hit. Luckily, he didn't look angry, just shocked. I didn't hesitate to apologize repeatedly and had a look at both our vehicles. He said to me, "well, I could yell at you, but that wouldn't really do much. And besides, your car is far worse than mine." I nodded, trying to hide how in shock I still was.
I couldn't have hit a friendlier man. He was about the age of my father, and of course he was a bit bummed out about his truck, but that's what MPI and car insurance is for after all. We had forgotten to swap info besides phone numbers, and we spoke a few times over the next few days trying to get all the info. Each time we spoke, he asked over and over again, "you're still ok? I'm really just glad no one was hurt. You sure you're ok?"
What amazed me the most was how rude so many other drivers were. The road the accident occurred on is a fairly trafficked road, however, it wasn't heavy at the time, yet at least half of the drivers angrily honked at me to move my car out of their way as they drove around me. I was particularly offended by this woman who actually bothered to roll down her window and swear at me in some foreign language. I was so mad, I yelled back at her "DRIVE AROUND IT, BITCH!" My dad laughed when I came and sat beside him as we waited for the tow truck. "I totally thought you were going to go kick her ass," he said. Truth be told, I'd thought about it, but logic told me that I didn't need a charge for assault on top of this.
Even when the tow truck came, people still honked impatiently. I couldn't believe the nerve! Honestly, when a person's just had an accident, the last thing they need are angry drivers honking at them, especially when they can easily drive around.
It's funny, because I always thought, if someone hit my car, I would probably go off on them. But now, after seeing how kind this man was to me, I don't think it would be right of me to yell and swear at someone who hit my car in the future. Depending, of course, on the situation, but no one ever PLANS to have an accident, so I'm going to try to keep that in mind when dealing with (god forbid) any future accidents.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Why Couldn't It Have Said "Follow the Butterflies?"
I was reading my friends' blog about anxiety ( http://thisispanicuk.blogspot.com ) and it really made me think about how much I hate when people laugh at me when I say spiders haunt me in my sleep. I dont think most of you realize how big a deal it actually is for me, and figure maybe I should explain.
I suffer from anxiety, though it's not insanely bad, it does have it's moments. I get my highs and my lows, and I will usually go a few months before having a breakdown, but when it happens, I want nothing to do with anyone, and I just want to be left alone. Usually if i am around people or at work, I need to escape and be alone quite often, as having people milling about only makes it worse. It's frustrating because people want to know what's wrong, why I'm sitting down, looking rather ill - because I am usually quite a good worker, and I dont just sit around. I dont like telling people, "oh I'm having an anxiety attack", so I usually just tell them I'm not feeling well, but then they pester me more throughout the day to see if I'm feeling better. Mainly how it works is I just feel insanely nervous, uncomfortable and shaky. I just want to stay in my house, away from people and noise, and stay in bed where nothing can make me freak out or break into tears without knowing exactly why.
My most recent anxiety attacks however, have been at night, which in my opinion are almost worse than the daytime ones, as they kinda run together. I don't get much sleep at all when I have a night attack, and then I am very tired the next day, causing me to be more anxious throughout the day, especially earlier on in the morning. My brain doesn't shut down at night very easily, though I think many people are like that too. Even if it's something as simple as a song playing repeatedly in my head, I cannot fall asleep. When I'm having a night attack, it's usually because something has triggered a bad memory and it is playing repeatedly in my head. Being the way I am, I will overanalyze and dissect the memory, trying to figure out what or where it went wrong. This can go on for hours, causing me to be restless and be filled with an overwhelming sadness. It takes me hours to fall asleep and it's to the point where I just feel so helpless because my mind won't shut off even though i know it's time to sleep and my body is exhausted.
So after my brain has finally allowed me to fall into a light sleep, filled with faced paced dreams, everything in my dreams stops and a giant spider, or many little spiders, appear out of thin air, usually on the bed beside me. I wake up screaming and hyperventilating for a while, my heart racing, and frantically throw all the covers off my bed, flip on the light switch and search my entire room for the damn spiders. Obviously there are none. When I realize it was another nightmare, I turn off the lights and try to fall asleep again, but by this point my heart is racing so hard and I am in panic mode. Sometimes I cry again, sometimes I don't. Either way, sleep is pretty much out of the question. Sometimes these night terrors even happen out of the blue, when I've had a fantastic evening with nothing troubling me.
The longest I've had these night terrors/attacks for was every night for a month straight. I think I've pretty much slept on every single couch in my house, trying to find a place where these spiders will leave me alone. Sometimes it works for a night or two, but they always find me. It's hard on my family too, because when I have these attacks, I sometimes wake them up, hoping that having someone who loves me around will make it stop. But since I can't explain to them what is going on, why I am hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably, they get freaked out and worried, which only makes it worse for me.
My daytime anxieties I can usually deal with. Sometimes I am just filled with an overwhelming happiness for no reason. I will be driving somewhere, when suddenly I can't help but grin the biggest grin you have ever seen, and my heart leaps into my throat and it is complete ecstasy. I feel like i am on drugs. This honestly is the best feeling in the world, and I can't complain when that happens, although my friends and family might be curious why I'm being so weird and giddy. I am also a very paranoid person. I believe that if it is possible for something to go wrong, if it involves me, it WILL go wrong. Most of the time, I am convinced that the next few years of my life will be my last, as every little thing that seems off with my body, I automatically think means i am dying or horribly diseased and when I'm driving, I always think I will be in a terrible accident.
The attacks I get when i'm at work, generally I can deal with. I leave. I go into the bathroom for a few minutes and try to breathe, or I just ask to go home early. It doesn't always work, but it is easier to deal with than the night anxieties, because at night, I am alone. I am in bed, and those are all the things I would normally do if I was having a daytime attack. So what do I do when all my normal remedies are not working?
After years of dealing with this and not knowing what is going on, I've finally come more to terms with it and realized that I'm not crazy, and that there are a lot of people in the world who deal with anxiety and depression every day of their lives and many have it far worse than I do. When I'm having an episode, all I ask is that you please do not yell at me if I'm not doing something properly. Please do not tell me I'm being ridiculous. And please do not make me do something I am not comfortable with, even if I say I am. If I seem uneasy, it's because I really am feeling horrible and just want to be alone. Last but not least, please, please, do NOT laugh at me when I say I've had a nightmare about spiders again.
I suffer from anxiety, though it's not insanely bad, it does have it's moments. I get my highs and my lows, and I will usually go a few months before having a breakdown, but when it happens, I want nothing to do with anyone, and I just want to be left alone. Usually if i am around people or at work, I need to escape and be alone quite often, as having people milling about only makes it worse. It's frustrating because people want to know what's wrong, why I'm sitting down, looking rather ill - because I am usually quite a good worker, and I dont just sit around. I dont like telling people, "oh I'm having an anxiety attack", so I usually just tell them I'm not feeling well, but then they pester me more throughout the day to see if I'm feeling better. Mainly how it works is I just feel insanely nervous, uncomfortable and shaky. I just want to stay in my house, away from people and noise, and stay in bed where nothing can make me freak out or break into tears without knowing exactly why.
My most recent anxiety attacks however, have been at night, which in my opinion are almost worse than the daytime ones, as they kinda run together. I don't get much sleep at all when I have a night attack, and then I am very tired the next day, causing me to be more anxious throughout the day, especially earlier on in the morning. My brain doesn't shut down at night very easily, though I think many people are like that too. Even if it's something as simple as a song playing repeatedly in my head, I cannot fall asleep. When I'm having a night attack, it's usually because something has triggered a bad memory and it is playing repeatedly in my head. Being the way I am, I will overanalyze and dissect the memory, trying to figure out what or where it went wrong. This can go on for hours, causing me to be restless and be filled with an overwhelming sadness. It takes me hours to fall asleep and it's to the point where I just feel so helpless because my mind won't shut off even though i know it's time to sleep and my body is exhausted.
So after my brain has finally allowed me to fall into a light sleep, filled with faced paced dreams, everything in my dreams stops and a giant spider, or many little spiders, appear out of thin air, usually on the bed beside me. I wake up screaming and hyperventilating for a while, my heart racing, and frantically throw all the covers off my bed, flip on the light switch and search my entire room for the damn spiders. Obviously there are none. When I realize it was another nightmare, I turn off the lights and try to fall asleep again, but by this point my heart is racing so hard and I am in panic mode. Sometimes I cry again, sometimes I don't. Either way, sleep is pretty much out of the question. Sometimes these night terrors even happen out of the blue, when I've had a fantastic evening with nothing troubling me.
The longest I've had these night terrors/attacks for was every night for a month straight. I think I've pretty much slept on every single couch in my house, trying to find a place where these spiders will leave me alone. Sometimes it works for a night or two, but they always find me. It's hard on my family too, because when I have these attacks, I sometimes wake them up, hoping that having someone who loves me around will make it stop. But since I can't explain to them what is going on, why I am hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably, they get freaked out and worried, which only makes it worse for me.
My daytime anxieties I can usually deal with. Sometimes I am just filled with an overwhelming happiness for no reason. I will be driving somewhere, when suddenly I can't help but grin the biggest grin you have ever seen, and my heart leaps into my throat and it is complete ecstasy. I feel like i am on drugs. This honestly is the best feeling in the world, and I can't complain when that happens, although my friends and family might be curious why I'm being so weird and giddy. I am also a very paranoid person. I believe that if it is possible for something to go wrong, if it involves me, it WILL go wrong. Most of the time, I am convinced that the next few years of my life will be my last, as every little thing that seems off with my body, I automatically think means i am dying or horribly diseased and when I'm driving, I always think I will be in a terrible accident.
The attacks I get when i'm at work, generally I can deal with. I leave. I go into the bathroom for a few minutes and try to breathe, or I just ask to go home early. It doesn't always work, but it is easier to deal with than the night anxieties, because at night, I am alone. I am in bed, and those are all the things I would normally do if I was having a daytime attack. So what do I do when all my normal remedies are not working?
After years of dealing with this and not knowing what is going on, I've finally come more to terms with it and realized that I'm not crazy, and that there are a lot of people in the world who deal with anxiety and depression every day of their lives and many have it far worse than I do. When I'm having an episode, all I ask is that you please do not yell at me if I'm not doing something properly. Please do not tell me I'm being ridiculous. And please do not make me do something I am not comfortable with, even if I say I am. If I seem uneasy, it's because I really am feeling horrible and just want to be alone. Last but not least, please, please, do NOT laugh at me when I say I've had a nightmare about spiders again.
All You Need is Love...
A few weeks ago, some friends and I were having a discussion about life and relationships, when a question regarding inter-religious relationships arose. "Is it possible/wise to date/marry someone of a different religious belief than yourself?" While the popular vote was that it is important to find someone who believes the same as you do, I begged to differ.
While it is true that two people from completely opposite ends of the spectrum, such as Christianity and Wiccanism, would not be likely to stand much of a chance together, many other religions have at least some similarities. With Christians and Muslims for example, even though Christians believe in Jesus and Muslims believe in the prophet Mohammed, they are both united under the same God. My point is that if they are willing to support and respect one another, they can make it work. I truly believe that humans should be able to co-exist in this way otherwise the idea of world peace will remain nothing but a dream.
As much as we all wish that world peace will happen at some point in the future, the fear of learning to understand other cultures holds us back. If we just put in the effort to get to know one another and understand how we work and how we think, we will come to realize that we aren’t so different after all and in the end, we all want the same thing in life. If we refuse to expect it of ourselves, that we can possibly understand or even love someone who’s beliefs are different than our own, how can we possibly expect it of the world? We are all the bricks that hold this world together and if one brick crumbles, the others have to work that much harder to keep it together. If another one crumbles, the load gets heavier still. We cannot rely on our neighbors to make world peace happen if we ourselves refuse to put in the effort.
As for children, I’ve heard from many people that putting kids in the situation where mom believes one thing and dad believes another is confusing and damaging to the child. Again, I cannot agree with this. When mom says it’s ok to get your ears pierced and dad says hell no, the kid is confused as to what to do. Does that mean the parents should not be together? Of course not. On the contrary, I believe that children with parents of different views and perspectives (and religions, for the sake of my argument) are a lot more able to make their own decisions and to make them wise decisions, as they have learnt to figure things out on their own, to not just believe what they are told to believe, just because they were told that it was so. Bringing your child up in a home where the parents are of different cultures/religions and yet live together harmoniously will teach a child tolerance and respect of others and it will show them how important it is to be open-minded.
I’m not saying that it is wrong to marry someone who is the same culture, religion and background as you, I am merely asking that you don’t completely shut the idea out. If we say world peace will never happen, then we are damning it to failure, but if we believe there is a way and everyone does their part, piece by piece, we will find a way.
While it is true that two people from completely opposite ends of the spectrum, such as Christianity and Wiccanism, would not be likely to stand much of a chance together, many other religions have at least some similarities. With Christians and Muslims for example, even though Christians believe in Jesus and Muslims believe in the prophet Mohammed, they are both united under the same God. My point is that if they are willing to support and respect one another, they can make it work. I truly believe that humans should be able to co-exist in this way otherwise the idea of world peace will remain nothing but a dream.
As much as we all wish that world peace will happen at some point in the future, the fear of learning to understand other cultures holds us back. If we just put in the effort to get to know one another and understand how we work and how we think, we will come to realize that we aren’t so different after all and in the end, we all want the same thing in life. If we refuse to expect it of ourselves, that we can possibly understand or even love someone who’s beliefs are different than our own, how can we possibly expect it of the world? We are all the bricks that hold this world together and if one brick crumbles, the others have to work that much harder to keep it together. If another one crumbles, the load gets heavier still. We cannot rely on our neighbors to make world peace happen if we ourselves refuse to put in the effort.
As for children, I’ve heard from many people that putting kids in the situation where mom believes one thing and dad believes another is confusing and damaging to the child. Again, I cannot agree with this. When mom says it’s ok to get your ears pierced and dad says hell no, the kid is confused as to what to do. Does that mean the parents should not be together? Of course not. On the contrary, I believe that children with parents of different views and perspectives (and religions, for the sake of my argument) are a lot more able to make their own decisions and to make them wise decisions, as they have learnt to figure things out on their own, to not just believe what they are told to believe, just because they were told that it was so. Bringing your child up in a home where the parents are of different cultures/religions and yet live together harmoniously will teach a child tolerance and respect of others and it will show them how important it is to be open-minded.
I’m not saying that it is wrong to marry someone who is the same culture, religion and background as you, I am merely asking that you don’t completely shut the idea out. If we say world peace will never happen, then we are damning it to failure, but if we believe there is a way and everyone does their part, piece by piece, we will find a way.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
i'm gonna brag here for a moment...
i know i know, i HATE it when fat girls post shit all over facebook in their status everyday about "going for a jog, i feel great!" kinda crap, because it's annoying. i mean, good for you, i'm happy you're doing that, but like, then why dont you post "yay, i just peed! so relieved!" you know? i should do that one day, see what kinda reactions i'd get bahaha.
ANYWAYS, instead of posting in my facebook status for the world to see (not as many people see my blog ha), i just want to brag about the 16 lbs i've lost in the past 3 weeks. i'm so proud of myself, even though ive still got a while to go, i'm just happy that i'm doing this for myself. for some reason as much as i've wanted to lose weight in the past, i've just been far too afraid. sometimes even though being happy is my ultimate goal in life, i'm just too afraid to do something that will actually make me happy. more than looks or anything else, i'm just doing this to ensure that i am healthy and fit, i would beat myself up if i got diabetes one day (it runs heavily in my family) because i didn't properly take care of myself, and having a heart attack at a young age is also a fear that drives me. i know i can do better than allowing myself to get sick out of pure laziness, so why would i settle for it? i've made some bad choices in the past and i've paid for them, but it's never too late to make changes, right?
ANYWAYS, instead of posting in my facebook status for the world to see (not as many people see my blog ha), i just want to brag about the 16 lbs i've lost in the past 3 weeks. i'm so proud of myself, even though ive still got a while to go, i'm just happy that i'm doing this for myself. for some reason as much as i've wanted to lose weight in the past, i've just been far too afraid. sometimes even though being happy is my ultimate goal in life, i'm just too afraid to do something that will actually make me happy. more than looks or anything else, i'm just doing this to ensure that i am healthy and fit, i would beat myself up if i got diabetes one day (it runs heavily in my family) because i didn't properly take care of myself, and having a heart attack at a young age is also a fear that drives me. i know i can do better than allowing myself to get sick out of pure laziness, so why would i settle for it? i've made some bad choices in the past and i've paid for them, but it's never too late to make changes, right?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
i wish i may i wish i might wish this wish i wish tonight...
ugh. i feel like so much yet so little has happened in the past while since i've been absent from my blog. there's not really a whole hell of a lot of uber-eventfulness to write about, which kinda makes me sad.
i've been really grouchy lately and i'm not really sure why, though it's really frustrating me (no, it's not PMS). things that people do and say are just getting to me. it seems now that summer has *finally* arrived, it seems so have the idiots.
i wish people wouldn't tell me how to do my job when clearly they are sitting in my chair because they need my professional opinion.
i wish people weren't so stuck up about religion. actually, i wish religion would just go away. beliefs, gods and morality can stay, but organized religion be gone! until people can be religious without being pompous, pig-headed and arrogant, i think it should not exist. a prime example: i hate peas and think they are the nastiest things ever. if i hated/disliked or harshly judged everyone who liked peas, i would not have a lot of friends.
i wish bad things didn't happen to good people.
i wish people would stand up for themselves instead of just complaining about it. yes, i realize i fall into this category sometimes too.
i wish people would grow their own brains. you've got a brain, use it. that's what it's there for, not so you can just "download" information from one person or source and use that as your opinion "because they said so". that's plagiarism of the brain.
i wish everyone in the world could get along with and love their parents and siblings as much as i love and need mine.
i wish people would drive the speed limit and not 10 clicks under, especially in a 50 zone.
i wish people wouldn't judge others by how they look. not returning a hello to a stranger as they walk by you because you think you're better or better looking than them is an asshole move. (i need to work on this one... i think emo/scene kids are idiots haha)
i wish i wasn't allergic to stupid things like celery and cucumbers. i love celery and cucumbers! i eat them regardless, but it'd be so much more enjoyable/so much less annoying if i didnt get itchy from it. ha.
i wish i drove a crotch rocket. and lived in california.
i wish i had the means to invent all the weird shit i come up with on a daily basis. i would be rich, let me tell you.
i wish everyone could see things through each others eyes.
Friend 1: you know what i mean?
Friend 2: not really
*friend 1 passes eyeballs to friend 2*
understanding instead of the need to be right...
i wish people wouldn't just say things like "we're sorry if we hurt you, it was not our intention" when they're in front of other people just to make themselves look sincere when you know that behind the scenes, they avoided reconciliation at all costs.
why do people feel the need to pretend? to put on a face? maybe it's cos no body cares. maybe cos they care too much. either way, i'm sick of it. be who you are, don't hide behind a wall. if you're sad, cry. if you're happy, jubilate. if you've got problems, talk to someone who can help you. i thought people got passed all that pretentious shit after high school. apparently it just gets worse.
anyhow, this was not meant to be depressing at all, just contemplative. when i started off writing it, i started with "i hate it when..." but that felt too negative. the things we dislike and that bother us can become so consuming when we think of them in negative ways. they eat at us and bring us down. so i tried to put a little spin on it, by starting with "i wish". "i wish" makes us hopeful. it makes us believe that anything you can think of can happen, can become a reality. maybe filling my days with "i wish" thoughts instead of "i hate" thoughts will help to make me less grumpy.
i've been really grouchy lately and i'm not really sure why, though it's really frustrating me (no, it's not PMS). things that people do and say are just getting to me. it seems now that summer has *finally* arrived, it seems so have the idiots.
i wish people wouldn't tell me how to do my job when clearly they are sitting in my chair because they need my professional opinion.
i wish people weren't so stuck up about religion. actually, i wish religion would just go away. beliefs, gods and morality can stay, but organized religion be gone! until people can be religious without being pompous, pig-headed and arrogant, i think it should not exist. a prime example: i hate peas and think they are the nastiest things ever. if i hated/disliked or harshly judged everyone who liked peas, i would not have a lot of friends.
i wish bad things didn't happen to good people.
i wish people would stand up for themselves instead of just complaining about it. yes, i realize i fall into this category sometimes too.
i wish people would grow their own brains. you've got a brain, use it. that's what it's there for, not so you can just "download" information from one person or source and use that as your opinion "because they said so". that's plagiarism of the brain.
i wish everyone in the world could get along with and love their parents and siblings as much as i love and need mine.
i wish people would drive the speed limit and not 10 clicks under, especially in a 50 zone.
i wish people wouldn't judge others by how they look. not returning a hello to a stranger as they walk by you because you think you're better or better looking than them is an asshole move. (i need to work on this one... i think emo/scene kids are idiots haha)
i wish i wasn't allergic to stupid things like celery and cucumbers. i love celery and cucumbers! i eat them regardless, but it'd be so much more enjoyable/so much less annoying if i didnt get itchy from it. ha.
i wish i drove a crotch rocket. and lived in california.
i wish i had the means to invent all the weird shit i come up with on a daily basis. i would be rich, let me tell you.
i wish everyone could see things through each others eyes.
Friend 1: you know what i mean?
Friend 2: not really
*friend 1 passes eyeballs to friend 2*
understanding instead of the need to be right...
i wish people wouldn't just say things like "we're sorry if we hurt you, it was not our intention" when they're in front of other people just to make themselves look sincere when you know that behind the scenes, they avoided reconciliation at all costs.
why do people feel the need to pretend? to put on a face? maybe it's cos no body cares. maybe cos they care too much. either way, i'm sick of it. be who you are, don't hide behind a wall. if you're sad, cry. if you're happy, jubilate. if you've got problems, talk to someone who can help you. i thought people got passed all that pretentious shit after high school. apparently it just gets worse.
anyhow, this was not meant to be depressing at all, just contemplative. when i started off writing it, i started with "i hate it when..." but that felt too negative. the things we dislike and that bother us can become so consuming when we think of them in negative ways. they eat at us and bring us down. so i tried to put a little spin on it, by starting with "i wish". "i wish" makes us hopeful. it makes us believe that anything you can think of can happen, can become a reality. maybe filling my days with "i wish" thoughts instead of "i hate" thoughts will help to make me less grumpy.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Long Weekend
i was just thinking why do we have Victoria Day this weekend and we get it off, but people in England only have next weekend off? (at least Anthony has next weekend off anyhow). you'd think since it's named after Queen Victoria, we'd synchronize the holiday or something, and since they are the "mother land".
i dont know what i'm going on about really.
i had a pretty lame long weekend. just worked. but i did get out to see Port Amoral at Skate 4 Cancer last night at the Forks, which was pretty awesome. they put on a great show as always, and even included a bunch of their newer songs, much to my satisfaction. if you dont know who Port Amoral is then get the fuck on it and go to their myspace - www.myspace.com/portamoral Villains is the GREATEST song ever. Eric's guitar skills are killer. and i wouldn't lie to you.
i had a purpose to this post, i'm sure of it, i've just forgotten what it was, and i realized that i haven't blogged in about a month. anyhow, i hope everyone had a great weekend and enjoy the rest of it.
and i definitely need some people to get together and play MUNCHKIN BOOTY at some point in the NEAR future. it's a wicked game, i swear.
cheers.
xx
i dont know what i'm going on about really.
i had a pretty lame long weekend. just worked. but i did get out to see Port Amoral at Skate 4 Cancer last night at the Forks, which was pretty awesome. they put on a great show as always, and even included a bunch of their newer songs, much to my satisfaction. if you dont know who Port Amoral is then get the fuck on it and go to their myspace - www.myspace.com/portamoral Villains is the GREATEST song ever. Eric's guitar skills are killer. and i wouldn't lie to you.
i had a purpose to this post, i'm sure of it, i've just forgotten what it was, and i realized that i haven't blogged in about a month. anyhow, i hope everyone had a great weekend and enjoy the rest of it.
and i definitely need some people to get together and play MUNCHKIN BOOTY at some point in the NEAR future. it's a wicked game, i swear.
cheers.
xx
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Paraguay, here i come!
i'm starting to get more and more excited for my trip to Paraguay. granted, i make it through the insane amount i have to work before we go (basically a full time job covering for a lady while she's gone for a month, and then doing part time on top of that...) but at least it'll actually FEEL like a well-deserved break. i've been talking to my cousin who lives in Asuncion (the capital city) and i was telling her that i'd really like to explore the city with her for a bit and maybe go out dancing with some of my cousins. i'm really excited because usually we just go to the small town of Loma Plata to spend time with family. not that i dont love doing that, but it's just that i've been to Paraguay at least 5 times now and have never actually experienced anything but Loma Plata and i haven't explored at all. i mean, living in Loma Plata is completely different than what i'm used to at home: it's a tight knit mennonite community, all dirt roads, the best fruit i've ever had, snakes, everyones farms are only about a half hour to 45 minute drive away... and i always have fun there, but i'd like to see more of Paraguay. hopefully it works out that a few cousins and i make a trip out there and explore. i think it would be awesome to see the city my dad grew up in!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
*sings* iiii hate winnipeg!
Oh Winnipeg, you never cease to amaze me.
It's April 25th and it's snowing like a freaking blizzard outisde. I'm not kidding. Not like a tiny bit of snow, it's actually like a mid-winter snowstorm without the heaps of snow already on the ground.
No more!! I demand summer!
*shakes fist at the heavens*
It's April 25th and it's snowing like a freaking blizzard outisde. I'm not kidding. Not like a tiny bit of snow, it's actually like a mid-winter snowstorm without the heaps of snow already on the ground.
No more!! I demand summer!
*shakes fist at the heavens*
Friday, April 24, 2009
News from the Observation Deck
I was just noticing in the past little while that when you look at couples, a lot of the time they two people in the relationship look very similar. Facial features, hair color.... they both have prominent noses, blue eyes, whatever it may be. I think it's funny to see, but at the same time it makes me wonder if it's a subconscious narcissism. Like an "I think I look good and I see a guy who looks similar to me so I think he looks good" kinda thing. The funny thing is, I don't think people really realize it. When you look at couples like that, you just think, "wow, they look really good together!" but that's probably because they look alike. It makes sense though obviously not every couple is like that. I've been noticing a lot of them more and more lately. Maybe I've just finally started to pay attention.
It's like how in high school, kids get super pissed off if you tell them they look like their mom or their dad. Then Parent-Teacher Day comes around and you sit in the hallway watching them all walk by with their parents and you can't help but laugh because they are a splitting image of their parents. Parents think their kids look good because they are mini versions of them. (well, that and if even your mother thinks your ugly, then shitson you got the short end of the stick).
Relationships and childbearing all just seems narcissistic and self-centered when you look at them from an outside point of view. Emotions aside, everyone just wants to be with someone who is like them. Everyone wants to be with themselves. They want to bring up little miniature versions of themselves. They want their kids to be the things that they wanted to be growing up but never ended up becoming. I just think it's interesting and curious that no matter what, everyone's world revolves around themselves. As much as we (well, some of us) try to be selfless, ultimately everyone wants to take care of "number one".
It's like how in high school, kids get super pissed off if you tell them they look like their mom or their dad. Then Parent-Teacher Day comes around and you sit in the hallway watching them all walk by with their parents and you can't help but laugh because they are a splitting image of their parents. Parents think their kids look good because they are mini versions of them. (well, that and if even your mother thinks your ugly, then shitson you got the short end of the stick).
Relationships and childbearing all just seems narcissistic and self-centered when you look at them from an outside point of view. Emotions aside, everyone just wants to be with someone who is like them. Everyone wants to be with themselves. They want to bring up little miniature versions of themselves. They want their kids to be the things that they wanted to be growing up but never ended up becoming. I just think it's interesting and curious that no matter what, everyone's world revolves around themselves. As much as we (well, some of us) try to be selfless, ultimately everyone wants to take care of "number one".
Thursday, April 23, 2009
oh baby oh baby!!
so, finally, i have found someone who will go to California with me! i am le stoked. le fucking stoked. so, i haven't actually talked to my partner in crime about the details yet, but i told him it was going to be a sick road trip, and i had the perfect one planned out. BASICALLY if all goes according to plan, i want to drive to San Fran, hang out there la-di-da then take the coast down to LA, and then down to San Diego and on the way back up we'll go through Vegas and Salt Lake City. most of the places i've looked into already and kinda know what i wanna do there, but i haven't gotten to SLC yet, so if you have any good ideas of what to do out there, let me know. actually, if you have any good ideas about ANY of the places, let me know. Alcatraz is definitely on my to do list. and the San Diego Zoo... i forget what else there was but i had a good list going. so yeah, suggestions - feel free to comment or to email me or whatever. woot!
much love,
Karis
much love,
Karis
Monday, April 20, 2009
happy birthday to me, i'm a hundred and three!
ok, not quite. but i am legal all over now. woot!
i'm so stoked today, not because i'm older - i dont really care about that, age is just a number - but i'm stoked because my friends are awesome! i haven't even left the house yet and it's been a great day. so many birthday wishes and i got flowers for the first time in my life from someone other than my parents. i'm planning a trip to california, i'm biking over to bring Holly (my birthday cake buddy... we both like birthday cake at random times) a piece of birthday cake. jodi's coming over. i'm shaking with excitement. i wish every day could be as good as today. :D
today is a day that i absolutely love people! yay!
i'm so stoked today, not because i'm older - i dont really care about that, age is just a number - but i'm stoked because my friends are awesome! i haven't even left the house yet and it's been a great day. so many birthday wishes and i got flowers for the first time in my life from someone other than my parents. i'm planning a trip to california, i'm biking over to bring Holly (my birthday cake buddy... we both like birthday cake at random times) a piece of birthday cake. jodi's coming over. i'm shaking with excitement. i wish every day could be as good as today. :D
today is a day that i absolutely love people! yay!
Friday, April 17, 2009
For the Love of Yourself, Please!!
I am constantly amazed at the amount of sexual predators there are out there, in this small city alone. I have come across my fair share, and I’m not even overly attractive (not to say I’m belittling myself, but I’m just not really the type of person you would think would come across such people). I often hear about girls who’ve been in situations with men, either a guy their age or a bit older, just being inappropriate and just trying to get into their pants, or someone older – who should know better – with some kind of authority over the girl. It’s no wonder I’ve lost so much respect for men, why I think every man is a jerk and an asshole until he proves otherwise. It is honestly insane, how many girls have been sexually harassed or abused!
I think it’s a problem and something needs to be done. Men need to learn the difference between what is and what isn’t appropriate and where the lines are. men should not be taking advantage of girls and we girls and women need to learn to stand up for ourselves! It may be embarrassing, but keeping in something that is so important cannot only be very damaging to your own self-image, but also doesn’t teach the person doing the harassing a lesson. Now, I don’t know if all men who do this quite realize how serious of an offence this is, and that even just saying little comments can lead to a bigger problem. I’ve learnt so much about myself these past few years, and I know now that standing up for yourself in this kind of situation is something that needs to be done. It is not something that will just go away. Ignoring it will not make it better. Whether there was physical contact or not, it is serious. I wish every woman on this planet knew her importance and that she should not feel bad or embarrassed to talk about this to someone who can do something about it. When put in this situation, you have to let the person know that it is NOT ok, you do NOT like what they are doing or saying. They have to be told that it is inappropriate. Please girls. PLEASE if you know me or not, do me this one favor - do YOURSELF this favor - that you will stand up for yourself if you are ever put in this situation.
I understand that shock and fear come into play and sometimes your brain freezes. But knowing how to “snap out of it” and knowing the boundries and telling yourself that it needs to be stopped is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Writing this, I am shaking in disgust at these men, and I’m crying because I don’t want any woman on this earth to think they are not important enough to be heard in this kind of situation, that they are not important enough to stand up for themselves. It really truly hurts me when girls don’t think they are worth the fuss.
I sincerely apologize to those few men out there who are respectful, sweet and fantastic. Be strong and teach others to be like you! Although I have, for the most part, lost my faith in men, I realize there are some great men out there, and I’m sorry that you have to work so much harder at getting great women, because of the crap that these swines have taught women about men and how men are. But I promise you, once you get that girl, she will be the luckiest girl alive, to have found someone that treats her with respect and loves her. And she will appreciate you for it. I know when it comes to me, any man that wants to be with me is going to have to work hard and prove to me that they are a good person. I have finally learnt that I deserve to be treated with love and respect, and it is my sincere hope that I can pass this on to other girls who maybe don’t realize that about themselves yet.
I think it’s a problem and something needs to be done. Men need to learn the difference between what is and what isn’t appropriate and where the lines are. men should not be taking advantage of girls and we girls and women need to learn to stand up for ourselves! It may be embarrassing, but keeping in something that is so important cannot only be very damaging to your own self-image, but also doesn’t teach the person doing the harassing a lesson. Now, I don’t know if all men who do this quite realize how serious of an offence this is, and that even just saying little comments can lead to a bigger problem. I’ve learnt so much about myself these past few years, and I know now that standing up for yourself in this kind of situation is something that needs to be done. It is not something that will just go away. Ignoring it will not make it better. Whether there was physical contact or not, it is serious. I wish every woman on this planet knew her importance and that she should not feel bad or embarrassed to talk about this to someone who can do something about it. When put in this situation, you have to let the person know that it is NOT ok, you do NOT like what they are doing or saying. They have to be told that it is inappropriate. Please girls. PLEASE if you know me or not, do me this one favor - do YOURSELF this favor - that you will stand up for yourself if you are ever put in this situation.
I understand that shock and fear come into play and sometimes your brain freezes. But knowing how to “snap out of it” and knowing the boundries and telling yourself that it needs to be stopped is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Writing this, I am shaking in disgust at these men, and I’m crying because I don’t want any woman on this earth to think they are not important enough to be heard in this kind of situation, that they are not important enough to stand up for themselves. It really truly hurts me when girls don’t think they are worth the fuss.
I sincerely apologize to those few men out there who are respectful, sweet and fantastic. Be strong and teach others to be like you! Although I have, for the most part, lost my faith in men, I realize there are some great men out there, and I’m sorry that you have to work so much harder at getting great women, because of the crap that these swines have taught women about men and how men are. But I promise you, once you get that girl, she will be the luckiest girl alive, to have found someone that treats her with respect and loves her. And she will appreciate you for it. I know when it comes to me, any man that wants to be with me is going to have to work hard and prove to me that they are a good person. I have finally learnt that I deserve to be treated with love and respect, and it is my sincere hope that I can pass this on to other girls who maybe don’t realize that about themselves yet.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
HE'S BAAAAACKK!!!!!!
when i started working at Second Cup, i was introduced to Jerry, the creepiest, yet most hilarious guy you could ever come across. he's a guy of average build, about 30-35 years old, short black hair with a perv-stace/goatee goin on, super tanned and kinda looks like he wishes he was a porn star. basically, he's the kinda guy that hits on anything that moves. a grown man version of a 13 year old girl.
he always came into Second Cup, probably because it was an all girl staff, and basically flirted with every single one of us on a daily basis. usually, it'd just be the "you should wear your hair up sometime, so i can see your pretty face. promise me you'll do that? wear your hair up for me, k, as a favor." but every now and then you'd get the "wanna go for nachos?" which would hastily get a "i dont like nachos." reply.
One time, he came in when it was dead. three of us girls, myself, Julie and Miranda, were milling around talking, when he came in, looking ready to talk. the three of us groaned as he made his way toward our little circle, and Julie said "what can i do for you Jerry." in a very "tell me what you want so you can get the fuck out of here" kinda tone.
"well," he said, "i have this picture on my phone, i want to blow it up and get it printed. how do i do that?"
all of us looked at him like he was nuts and i said, "who knows, go ask at Telus, (which was right across the hall) they're a phone company, they'll know."
apparently that didnt mean anything to him, so he stayed and kept talking about how he wanted to blow up his picture. he turned his phone around to show us, and Miranda looked, just out of instinct. and Julie and i just rolled our eyes at him. finally after a while, we convinced him to go as Telus and he left. the second he walked out the door, Miranda said, with a horrified look on her face, "OH DEAR GOD, WHY DID I LOOK AT THAT!!!!!"
Julie and i turned around instantly, "WHAT WAS IT!!!"
apparently, he had taken a nude picture of himself on his phone, posing like the porn star that he hoped to be. laughing, and horribly disgusted, the three of us spied on him showing the picture to the poor workers over at Telus and asking them how to print the picture.
He always hit on Mel a lot too, who was engaged at the time. questions like, "so are you still engaged?" would come up frequently. one day, after a rush, Mel turned to me, looking shocked and told me a story:
The line had been out the door with customers waiting to get coffee, when Jerry came in and beckoned for Mel to come speak to him.
"what do you want Jerry." she asked.
"You have to help me," was his reply, "you're the only one who can help me!" he proceeded to tell her about this rash that he had on his back, and about some lotion that he bought for it.
"i need you to rub this lotion all over my body," he told her.
the lady in front of him in line turned around in disbelief at what she had just heard.
finally, Jerry left, after Mel told him she wouldn't help him, and the lady followed him out into the parking lot where she proceeded to yell at him and tell him how inappropriate he was. She then took him inside to the security guards, told them what had happened, and got him banished from the mall for two years.
so today i was at the mall, la-di-da, minding my own business, when i saw a guy standing at the doors. "no! it couldn't be!" i thought to myself. although it made sense, two years had probably been up since we had last seen Jerry, and it would be very like him to go back to his old routine of creeping on all the female mall employees. he looked different though... bigger, less pervy, less tannned. i thought i'd go in to Second Cup and see if i was just imagining things. but alas, i was right, it was Jerry, good ol' Jerry, and he is back. So watch out, female employees of Kildonan Place Mall, and learn how to reject boys in a mean way IMMEDIATELY because that is something you will be doing with him every day.
oh, how i sometimes miss working at that mall and all the weirdos that came through! almost every day was an adventure.
he always came into Second Cup, probably because it was an all girl staff, and basically flirted with every single one of us on a daily basis. usually, it'd just be the "you should wear your hair up sometime, so i can see your pretty face. promise me you'll do that? wear your hair up for me, k, as a favor." but every now and then you'd get the "wanna go for nachos?" which would hastily get a "i dont like nachos." reply.
One time, he came in when it was dead. three of us girls, myself, Julie and Miranda, were milling around talking, when he came in, looking ready to talk. the three of us groaned as he made his way toward our little circle, and Julie said "what can i do for you Jerry." in a very "tell me what you want so you can get the fuck out of here" kinda tone.
"well," he said, "i have this picture on my phone, i want to blow it up and get it printed. how do i do that?"
all of us looked at him like he was nuts and i said, "who knows, go ask at Telus, (which was right across the hall) they're a phone company, they'll know."
apparently that didnt mean anything to him, so he stayed and kept talking about how he wanted to blow up his picture. he turned his phone around to show us, and Miranda looked, just out of instinct. and Julie and i just rolled our eyes at him. finally after a while, we convinced him to go as Telus and he left. the second he walked out the door, Miranda said, with a horrified look on her face, "OH DEAR GOD, WHY DID I LOOK AT THAT!!!!!"
Julie and i turned around instantly, "WHAT WAS IT!!!"
apparently, he had taken a nude picture of himself on his phone, posing like the porn star that he hoped to be. laughing, and horribly disgusted, the three of us spied on him showing the picture to the poor workers over at Telus and asking them how to print the picture.
He always hit on Mel a lot too, who was engaged at the time. questions like, "so are you still engaged?" would come up frequently. one day, after a rush, Mel turned to me, looking shocked and told me a story:
The line had been out the door with customers waiting to get coffee, when Jerry came in and beckoned for Mel to come speak to him.
"what do you want Jerry." she asked.
"You have to help me," was his reply, "you're the only one who can help me!" he proceeded to tell her about this rash that he had on his back, and about some lotion that he bought for it.
"i need you to rub this lotion all over my body," he told her.
the lady in front of him in line turned around in disbelief at what she had just heard.
finally, Jerry left, after Mel told him she wouldn't help him, and the lady followed him out into the parking lot where she proceeded to yell at him and tell him how inappropriate he was. She then took him inside to the security guards, told them what had happened, and got him banished from the mall for two years.
so today i was at the mall, la-di-da, minding my own business, when i saw a guy standing at the doors. "no! it couldn't be!" i thought to myself. although it made sense, two years had probably been up since we had last seen Jerry, and it would be very like him to go back to his old routine of creeping on all the female mall employees. he looked different though... bigger, less pervy, less tannned. i thought i'd go in to Second Cup and see if i was just imagining things. but alas, i was right, it was Jerry, good ol' Jerry, and he is back. So watch out, female employees of Kildonan Place Mall, and learn how to reject boys in a mean way IMMEDIATELY because that is something you will be doing with him every day.
oh, how i sometimes miss working at that mall and all the weirdos that came through! almost every day was an adventure.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
NUFAN muthafuckas!!
after about 7 years or so of being a big No Use For a Name fan, i've finally downloaded their entire discography. (i know, i know... i should buy their cds, but i only ever find them for near $30 a piece, and do not have that kinda money to spend on the 5 or 6 albums that i dont already have). i'm pretty stoked, listening to them, and feeling really nostalgic, thinking back on when this was all i listened to.
I remember back when they came to Winnipeg for the first time since i'd started listening to them, they just happened to be playing an 18+ show, and i was 17, so i couldn't go. My buddy Ryan was also underage, and his brother Ray and his friend Mike made sure to let us know at every opportunity they got, how great of a show it was going to be and how we'd be missing out, taunting us by saying things like, "it's NO USE being sad guys, you can't get in anyways" and whatever else they could think of. Needless to say, we wanted to punch them, if only they weren't 8 years older than us.
I finally got my chance to see NUFAN when i was 18 or 19, i'm not quite sure, but i was the most excited person in the world for that show! Before the show, Ryan, Ray and I walked out back behind the venue to where the tour bus was and saw Rory Koff (drummer) walking out of the bus, toward the door of the venue. Ray yelled, "hey! it's Rory!" and he replied with a "hey! it is!" which we found somewhat comical.
so time for the show: i stood at the front at the stage, right underneath Tony Sly (the singer/guitarist)'s mic and bellowed out the words to every single song, not missing a word. I saw Ryan getting up to stage dive a few times. I rocked out harder than i'd ever rocked out at a show before and had the time of my life.
After the show, we stuck around inside to chat with the band a bit. Tony was surrounded by a bunch of girls, so we only got a few minutes with him and time enough to get a picture. Dave had to miss the tour due to him becoming a father recently, so we didnt' get to meet him. Matt Riddle was hanging out kinda by himself at the side of the stage, so we snuck over to say hi. We told him that we were all members on their message board (RIP haha) and he recognized us right away. we chatted for about half an hour before he suggested we take some fun pictures.
The venue we were at (the Garrick) used to be a movie theater, and there were still a ton of seats still in place, though they'd cleared the middle section for concerts. we sat down in the seats on the side and Matt said "hey! let's pretend we're in a scary movie!" so we all put on our terrified faces and someone snapped a picture. looking back at the pictures, Ryan laughed and said it looked like Matt and I were on a date since we were huddled close together. we took a bunch of pictures and then headed out to the car, but were so excited about the night, that we forgot where we were going and just aimlessly walked for about 5 minutes in the freezing Winnipeg winter until we realized we were walking in the opposite direction of where we had parked.
i've been to quite a few shows in the past few years, and this one has definitely got to be one of my most memorable. i'm so stoked to see them again, and i'm sure i'll have just as great a time! so stoked, can't wait! review to come after.
I remember back when they came to Winnipeg for the first time since i'd started listening to them, they just happened to be playing an 18+ show, and i was 17, so i couldn't go. My buddy Ryan was also underage, and his brother Ray and his friend Mike made sure to let us know at every opportunity they got, how great of a show it was going to be and how we'd be missing out, taunting us by saying things like, "it's NO USE being sad guys, you can't get in anyways" and whatever else they could think of. Needless to say, we wanted to punch them, if only they weren't 8 years older than us.
I finally got my chance to see NUFAN when i was 18 or 19, i'm not quite sure, but i was the most excited person in the world for that show! Before the show, Ryan, Ray and I walked out back behind the venue to where the tour bus was and saw Rory Koff (drummer) walking out of the bus, toward the door of the venue. Ray yelled, "hey! it's Rory!" and he replied with a "hey! it is!" which we found somewhat comical.
so time for the show: i stood at the front at the stage, right underneath Tony Sly (the singer/guitarist)'s mic and bellowed out the words to every single song, not missing a word. I saw Ryan getting up to stage dive a few times. I rocked out harder than i'd ever rocked out at a show before and had the time of my life.
After the show, we stuck around inside to chat with the band a bit. Tony was surrounded by a bunch of girls, so we only got a few minutes with him and time enough to get a picture. Dave had to miss the tour due to him becoming a father recently, so we didnt' get to meet him. Matt Riddle was hanging out kinda by himself at the side of the stage, so we snuck over to say hi. We told him that we were all members on their message board (RIP haha) and he recognized us right away. we chatted for about half an hour before he suggested we take some fun pictures.
The venue we were at (the Garrick) used to be a movie theater, and there were still a ton of seats still in place, though they'd cleared the middle section for concerts. we sat down in the seats on the side and Matt said "hey! let's pretend we're in a scary movie!" so we all put on our terrified faces and someone snapped a picture. looking back at the pictures, Ryan laughed and said it looked like Matt and I were on a date since we were huddled close together. we took a bunch of pictures and then headed out to the car, but were so excited about the night, that we forgot where we were going and just aimlessly walked for about 5 minutes in the freezing Winnipeg winter until we realized we were walking in the opposite direction of where we had parked.
i've been to quite a few shows in the past few years, and this one has definitely got to be one of my most memorable. i'm so stoked to see them again, and i'm sure i'll have just as great a time! so stoked, can't wait! review to come after.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
super powers eh
This morning, i was laying on the couch (i sleep on the couch every now and then) stretching and as i reached my arm up in to the air, i thought how crazy would that be if spiderwebs shot out of my wrist. like if one day you woke up and you had super powers. i remember watching the Secret World of Alex Mac as a kid, a show about a teenage girl who got some kinda toxic waste spilled on her one day as she was on her way home. as a result of the spillage, she could turn into goo at will, allowing her to make sneaky getaways without being noticed, and she could also move things with her mind. of course, as a kid, the show inspired me to try moving things with my mind too; the remote when it was too far away and i wanted to change the channel... a snack that was just out of reach... my brother when he was being annoying.
so, a little tidbit about me before my next story - i'm terrified of ladybugs. if they're not on me, whatever, not inside the house, it's fine, not flying, ok. but as soon as they open their wings or are in a secluded area with me, i get a little nervous. so one day, i was sitting in the front pew at church, bored out of my face when i saw a ladybug crawling on the floor about 2 feet away from me - keep in mind this was like a year ago - when i decided i would be goofy and try to make the lady bug come closer to me. so in my head i whispered to the lady bug to come closer come closer (i wanted to squish it) and then soon, the lady bug started to come closer. i was like ha that's funny. then it started to come really close, and i was like GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY!!! yeah. i dont know what the point of that story was, but Alex Mac made me think of it.
i'm sure you've done something similar in your time. feel free to share a story...
so, a little tidbit about me before my next story - i'm terrified of ladybugs. if they're not on me, whatever, not inside the house, it's fine, not flying, ok. but as soon as they open their wings or are in a secluded area with me, i get a little nervous. so one day, i was sitting in the front pew at church, bored out of my face when i saw a ladybug crawling on the floor about 2 feet away from me - keep in mind this was like a year ago - when i decided i would be goofy and try to make the lady bug come closer to me. so in my head i whispered to the lady bug to come closer come closer (i wanted to squish it) and then soon, the lady bug started to come closer. i was like ha that's funny. then it started to come really close, and i was like GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY!!! yeah. i dont know what the point of that story was, but Alex Mac made me think of it.
i'm sure you've done something similar in your time. feel free to share a story...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
skulls = death = BAAAAAAAADDD!!!!!!
i dont understand that concept actually. why do people fear skulls? i have a tattoo of a skull and i love the shit out of it, i'm just always baffled at the reactions i get from people when they see that it is a skull. i've had a lot of comments like "wow, that's a beautiful tattoo!" and then 5 seconds later... "oh, it's a skull...." and they kinda shy away.
i understand that to most of the world, skulls represent death. ultimately though, i dont think death should be something that we fear that much, that a picture of a skull makes us uncomfortable.
what i dont understand though, is people say that one should not fear death, especially if "you know where you're going" (which i find obsurd, no one knows where they're going). but if someone fears a skull, does that mean they fear death? and if they fear a skull does that mean they fear themselves? because everyone has a skull.
i just dont understand. without our skulls, we would be nothing. our brains would flop around, we would have no shape to our faces, we would look like blobs with bodies.
the only thing i'm afraid of, is when i go to paraguay to see my family. they live in a very tight-knit, very mennonite (reserved and conservative) community and i know i will get a lot of comments like "why do you have the sign of the devil on your foot?" and "you need to repent, that's evil!!" and dumb shit like that. ultimately, i dont give a shit, it's my foot, i'm the one that has to have it on my body for the rest of my life. and i would have it no other way! (hopefully no one tries to scrape it off though!)
people dont even bother to ask what the meaning is behind it, they just say "ew skull. bad. begone satan!"
granted, i knew that there would be some controversy in it when i got my tattoo, so i'm not really complaining so much as just trying to wrap my head around the narrow closed-mindedness of this world.
i'm not gonna get a jesus tattoo or a bible verse tattoo, just because i know that if someone says "you have a tattoo. that's bad." i can be like "yeah but it's a cross. or yeah but it's this and this bible verse, so how can that be bad?"
ultimately, having a skull on my body does not change who i am. it does not make me a bad person. it actually inspires me every day to be a better person. and if anyone tries to tell me that that's wrong, i believe i have full rights to tell them to fuck right the hell off. am i right?
i understand that to most of the world, skulls represent death. ultimately though, i dont think death should be something that we fear that much, that a picture of a skull makes us uncomfortable.
what i dont understand though, is people say that one should not fear death, especially if "you know where you're going" (which i find obsurd, no one knows where they're going). but if someone fears a skull, does that mean they fear death? and if they fear a skull does that mean they fear themselves? because everyone has a skull.
i just dont understand. without our skulls, we would be nothing. our brains would flop around, we would have no shape to our faces, we would look like blobs with bodies.
the only thing i'm afraid of, is when i go to paraguay to see my family. they live in a very tight-knit, very mennonite (reserved and conservative) community and i know i will get a lot of comments like "why do you have the sign of the devil on your foot?" and "you need to repent, that's evil!!" and dumb shit like that. ultimately, i dont give a shit, it's my foot, i'm the one that has to have it on my body for the rest of my life. and i would have it no other way! (hopefully no one tries to scrape it off though!)
people dont even bother to ask what the meaning is behind it, they just say "ew skull. bad. begone satan!"
granted, i knew that there would be some controversy in it when i got my tattoo, so i'm not really complaining so much as just trying to wrap my head around the narrow closed-mindedness of this world.
i'm not gonna get a jesus tattoo or a bible verse tattoo, just because i know that if someone says "you have a tattoo. that's bad." i can be like "yeah but it's a cross. or yeah but it's this and this bible verse, so how can that be bad?"
ultimately, having a skull on my body does not change who i am. it does not make me a bad person. it actually inspires me every day to be a better person. and if anyone tries to tell me that that's wrong, i believe i have full rights to tell them to fuck right the hell off. am i right?
Friday, April 3, 2009
all i wanna do man
i wish sleep wasn't necessary. cos i can't seem to do that. i'm tired as fuck, but i just can't fall asleep. not just tonight, but basically every night. i dont know about you, but when i dream, i sleep worth shit. i wake up feeling exhausted, whether it was a good dream or a nightmare, and it seems like getting my brain to shut up is impossible. all i want in the world is to be able to hit an off switch for my brain at night so i can sleep. how sweet would that be man, how perfect.
i think i want to invent something: a jar that you can keep your brain in overnight (without dying of course) so you can have a peaceful sleep and fall unconscious instantly. no hassle. but have no fear, you will still wake up when your alarm goes off in the morning, and you won't feel like you need to sleep longer because you've just had the best sleep of your life. seriously. i think i would make millions. word.
i think i want to invent something: a jar that you can keep your brain in overnight (without dying of course) so you can have a peaceful sleep and fall unconscious instantly. no hassle. but have no fear, you will still wake up when your alarm goes off in the morning, and you won't feel like you need to sleep longer because you've just had the best sleep of your life. seriously. i think i would make millions. word.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Late Night Encounters
i dont know if you believe in ghosts or the supernatural at all, but i do, and so i'm not really sure what to make of what happened last night.
Half asleep, I went to the bathroom and just as I was coming out of the bathroom, there was an intense flash of light that looked like it came from a camera. as it lit up the whole basement, i saw the figure of a girl who was probably around 17 or 18 standing a few feet in front of me, facing the computer. now, i know our computer has been on the fritz lately and kinda just restarts whenever and so the screen does flash randomly, but i've never seen it so bright before! it's probably just cos i was barely awake and imagining things, but needless to say, it scared the pants off me.
Half asleep, I went to the bathroom and just as I was coming out of the bathroom, there was an intense flash of light that looked like it came from a camera. as it lit up the whole basement, i saw the figure of a girl who was probably around 17 or 18 standing a few feet in front of me, facing the computer. now, i know our computer has been on the fritz lately and kinda just restarts whenever and so the screen does flash randomly, but i've never seen it so bright before! it's probably just cos i was barely awake and imagining things, but needless to say, it scared the pants off me.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Thrift Store Jackets
As I sat on the bus one bitter cold afternoon, an old, worn-out looking woman trudged through the door, shaking the snow off her boots as she walked. Seeing an empty seat at the front, she said to the two people who were half taking it up, "Can I have a seat?" They moved their bags and she sat down and the bus continued on its route.
From where I sat, I watched the woman. She had the appearance of someone who had gone through more hard times than most people could deal with: the monstrous bags under her eyes and saggy cheeks said, I'm tired of all this shit. Even her attire, from the worn-out, aqua-colored, thrift store jacket to the cream colored toque, sloppily placed on her head, clearly showed that she lived in poverty and hardship.
But although she looked exhausted and just as worn-out as her jacket, something about her caught my attention. Her determination stood out to me, a vibe that said, my life sucks, and it's been tough as hell, but you don't see me giving up. As if she had realized long ago that real-life is not a Hollywood picture perfect story, and that even when it throws you sharp turns and seemingly impossible situations, you can never give up. it's only your strong will and determination that will keep you alive.
The next few weeks following my encounter with the second-hand-jacket lady, I'd come to realize just how really fortunate I was. Of course, my life wasn’t perfect, I knew it never would be, and there would always be a million things that I would find disappointing enough to complain about, but ultimately, I knew that my life was blessed far beyond anything that a great majority of people in the world could even begin to imagine.
Although the lady on the bus thought she was just going to Brown's Drug Store to buy some cough syrup or whatever it was that she needed, she would never know how much she actually inspired me, a complete stranger.
From where I sat, I watched the woman. She had the appearance of someone who had gone through more hard times than most people could deal with: the monstrous bags under her eyes and saggy cheeks said, I'm tired of all this shit. Even her attire, from the worn-out, aqua-colored, thrift store jacket to the cream colored toque, sloppily placed on her head, clearly showed that she lived in poverty and hardship.
But although she looked exhausted and just as worn-out as her jacket, something about her caught my attention. Her determination stood out to me, a vibe that said, my life sucks, and it's been tough as hell, but you don't see me giving up. As if she had realized long ago that real-life is not a Hollywood picture perfect story, and that even when it throws you sharp turns and seemingly impossible situations, you can never give up. it's only your strong will and determination that will keep you alive.
The next few weeks following my encounter with the second-hand-jacket lady, I'd come to realize just how really fortunate I was. Of course, my life wasn’t perfect, I knew it never would be, and there would always be a million things that I would find disappointing enough to complain about, but ultimately, I knew that my life was blessed far beyond anything that a great majority of people in the world could even begin to imagine.
Although the lady on the bus thought she was just going to Brown's Drug Store to buy some cough syrup or whatever it was that she needed, she would never know how much she actually inspired me, a complete stranger.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
are you afraid of the dark?
it's 4:01 am on the second consecutive week of nightmares. my heart is still pounding and my hands are still shaking from waking up screaming. i'm so fucking sick of nightmares, HOW do i make them stop? it's killing me. i'm desperate.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Guts
if you want to laugh and be disturbed all at the same time, go to youtube and search "chuck palahniuk guts". it's a 3 part reading of one of his short stories called "Guts". on his book tours, it's been reported that a total of 73 faintings occurred during the readings.
be warned.
be warned.
pop tart, brain fart.
so i've decided to challenge myself and enter a short story contest. i found out about it yesterday and the contest ends on April 7th, which still gives me a decent amount of time to come up with something, but i dont really have any clue as to what i'm going to write about. i haven't "made up" a story in quite some time, and it doesn't come as easily to me as writing my thoughts or little rants, so we'll see how it goes. i'm kinda excited though. i think it will be fun, once i get rolling, putting together a small manuscript and all. woot!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Karis Tanya Heart
so Tanya is my best friend.
i was born April 20th and she was born exactly a week later, and we've been friends ever since.
Right now, she lives in Toronto, going to fashion school, (she's gonna kick Versace's ass one day just so you know, so keep an eye out for her). She is actually the coolest person you will ever meet, if you're lucky to do so. i will write her biography when she's famous, so then you'll have somewhat of an idea about just how ridiculously awesome and fantastic this girl is. she's the chocolate to my hot fudge sunday. ANYWAYS, she and i always write each other poems called "Karis Tanya Heart". this was the latest in the bunch, from her to me:
i wish we weren't so far apart
i'd drive to the 'Peg via shopping cart
even to smell your stinky fart
Karis Tanya Heart
i loved it, and wanted to share.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
What is the secret to happiness?
Of all the billions of people in the world, there must be someone who knows true happiness and how they came to find it. Honestly, I think they should write a book and share this secret with the rest of us lowly folk, who have long started to believe that happiness is only a dream.
How can a person be truly happy when bills and payments and stress and work and people dying and shitty governments and failing economies and unjust labor laws in third world countries and the fear of global warming, are thrown in our faces on a daily basis? How do we get passed all the bad things consuming our lives and breathe in the joys life has to offer?
I feel so often like I should have hope. I tell myself there is so much more to life than this. But is there? When do we stop fooling ourselves? Why do we slave away to make our lives worthwhile and then watch as everything we’ve worked so hard for crumbles to the ground? I try to tell myself that things will only go up from here on in. The worst of it is over. And then I pick myself up out of the debris with nothing but my pride and I start building again, from the ground up. I get a boyfriend, and an awesome job. And everything is fine and dandy, in fact, I’ve never been happier.
And then he dumps me. And two weeks later, I lose my job. The day after I lose my job, my grandfather passes away. Recently, my dad put in his resignation to his position as leading pastor in our church. This was a decision that I very willingly supported, as I’ve been battling issues with the church for quite some time now. The thing that bothers me most about the situation, however, is how poorly many of the church members are treating my dad because of it. After all the years of hard work he’s put in, they go and stab him in the back. They make up lies about him. They try to rip him off from the work he’s put in. they spread rumors. Piece by piece they are not only tearing him apart, but they are hurting my entire family. I wish there was some way to slap them in the face and tell the church what they are doing to us. How much it hurts. How, by treating not only my family, but other people as well, as if they are easily replaced, they are pushing us farther and farther away from the church. Quite frankly, I hate going to church for the mere fact that there are so many people there that I can’t even look at, because I get so angry. I am so disgusted with their behaviors and the way they disrespect other people, that I feel nauseous. It is one of the many reasons why I have lost my faith in humanity.
Where has my happiness gone? I am so tired, exhausted from feeling so worthless. I feel like I have a million questions and no answers, and nowhere to find them. There is no antidote for this hell that my life has seemingly become and as I tell everyone around me that I’m fine, even I start to believe it. I get over the guy, I get a new job - three even, but still, I am empty. I laugh, but not wholeheartedly. I smile, but the twinkle in my eye is not for joy, but rather me fighting back tears.
I am happy. I am happy.
I love my life. I love who I am. I love where I am.
I am happy.
But not everyone is fooled. Are you?
scratch that.
blog schmog.
forget the rules i set for this blog before. i'm just gonna go with the flow.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
California Dreaming
i have wanted to move to California for over a year now. like actually been planning and saying i'm for real gonna move there. and the desire gets stronger and stronger every day. i can't wait to see what my future has in store.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
today i did something that i never thought i'd ever be able to do.
i found roundtrip tickets to San Francisco in 2 weeks (just in time to see Tsunami Bomb and the Action Design in Petaluma) for only $93 and i didn't buy them. i wanted to, and fuck do i ever still want to, and i hope to GOD i dont regret it as much as i feel like i'm going to regret it, because it would have been the time of my life, but i'm making a decision to move forward in my life instead of going on impulse and spending money when i can't afford to.
today made me decide that i will never again put myself in the situation where i have to say no to something i want as badly as i want to go to this show, because of stupid decisions i've made in the past with money.
i will do anything to go to Petaluma to see Tsunami Bomb and the Action Design on January 17th.
i am convinced that i'm going, i just don't know how. the thing is, it's not only to go see the bands, it's an experience, a bunch of people from the message board are going. its like a gathering of people from all over the world and that's amazing that music can bring us together, from near and far.
The Great Beginning
so basically, a great deal of this blog is going to be an "inventory of being" if you will. something i've learnt about myself every day. whether it be something big or something random. I'm 20, I'm young, I'm coming into myself, ever so slowly. it's been a hard year, but i've learnt so much more about myself than i can even remember. I'm hoping that writing down some of those lessons in the new year will help me to make better decisions this year, or at least avoid some of the less exciting ones.
there will also be random thoughts and ideas, as i tend to do both of those quite often.
today, i realized that the thing i procrastinate most often, besides working out, is going to bed. sometimes it's just so much easier to stay awake where you are then get up and get into bed comfortably.
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