Chemistry of a Car Crash

So, as pretty much everyone knows by now, I was in a car accident a few weeks ago, resulting in a totaled '01 red 2 door Honda Civic. my baby. I rear ended a Ford (or Chevy?... I don't know cars) Colorado LT truck, at about 40-50 km/hr, against which my little car didn't stand a chance. I was fortunate enough to get out with only some whiplash and a few bruises, but the front end of my car looked pretty bad, was leaking fluids like crazy and resulted in about $8000 worth of damage.

I had never been in an accident with another car before, and that's the part that scared me the worst. As I got out of my car, I thought to myself, oh shit, this guy is going to KILL me, I should have been paying better attention! I got nervously out of my car and walked toward the man who's truck I'd hit. Luckily, he didn't look angry, just shocked. I didn't hesitate to apologize repeatedly and had a look at both our vehicles. He said to me, "well, I could yell at you, but that wouldn't really do much. And besides, your car is far worse than mine." I nodded, trying to hide how in shock I still was.

I couldn't have hit a friendlier man. He was about the age of my father, and of course he was a bit bummed out about his truck, but that's what MPI and car insurance is for after all. We had forgotten to swap info besides phone numbers, and we spoke a few times over the next few days trying to get all the info. Each time we spoke, he asked over and over again, "you're still ok? I'm really just glad no one was hurt. You sure you're ok?"

What amazed me the most was how rude so many other drivers were. The road the accident occurred on is a fairly trafficked road, however, it wasn't heavy at the time, yet at least half of the drivers angrily honked at me to move my car out of their way as they drove around me. I was particularly offended by this woman who actually bothered to roll down her window and swear at me in some foreign language. I was so mad, I yelled back at her "DRIVE AROUND IT, BITCH!" My dad laughed when I came and sat beside him as we waited for the tow truck. "I totally thought you were going to go kick her ass," he said. Truth be told, I'd thought about it, but logic told me that I didn't need a charge for assault on top of this.

Even when the tow truck came, people still honked impatiently. I couldn't believe the nerve! Honestly, when a person's just had an accident, the last thing they need are angry drivers honking at them, especially when they can easily drive around.

It's funny, because I always thought, if someone hit my car, I would probably go off on them. But now, after seeing how kind this man was to me, I don't think it would be right of me to yell and swear at someone who hit my car in the future. Depending, of course, on the situation, but no one ever PLANS to have an accident, so I'm going to try to keep that in mind when dealing with (god forbid) any future accidents.

Why Couldn't It Have Said "Follow the Butterflies?"

I was reading my friends' blog about anxiety ( http://thisispanicuk.blogspot.com ) and it really made me think about how much I hate when people laugh at me when I say spiders haunt me in my sleep. I dont think most of you realize how big a deal it actually is for me, and figure maybe I should explain.

I suffer from anxiety, though it's not insanely bad, it does have it's moments. I get my highs and my lows, and I will usually go a few months before having a breakdown, but when it happens, I want nothing to do with anyone, and I just want to be left alone. Usually if i am around people or at work, I need to escape and be alone quite often, as having people milling about only makes it worse. It's frustrating because people want to know what's wrong, why I'm sitting down, looking rather ill - because I am usually quite a good worker, and I dont just sit around. I dont like telling people, "oh I'm having an anxiety attack", so I usually just tell them I'm not feeling well, but then they pester me more throughout the day to see if I'm feeling better. Mainly how it works is I just feel insanely nervous, uncomfortable and shaky. I just want to stay in my house, away from people and noise, and stay in bed where nothing can make me freak out or break into tears without knowing exactly why.

My most recent anxiety attacks however, have been at night, which in my opinion are almost worse than the daytime ones, as they kinda run together. I don't get much sleep at all when I have a night attack, and then I am very tired the next day, causing me to be more anxious throughout the day, especially earlier on in the morning. My brain doesn't shut down at night very easily, though I think many people are like that too. Even if it's something as simple as a song playing repeatedly in my head, I cannot fall asleep. When I'm having a night attack, it's usually because something has triggered a bad memory and it is playing repeatedly in my head. Being the way I am, I will overanalyze and dissect the memory, trying to figure out what or where it went wrong. This can go on for hours, causing me to be restless and be filled with an overwhelming sadness. It takes me hours to fall asleep and it's to the point where I just feel so helpless because my mind won't shut off even though i know it's time to sleep and my body is exhausted.

So after my brain has finally allowed me to fall into a light sleep, filled with faced paced dreams, everything in my dreams stops and a giant spider, or many little spiders, appear out of thin air, usually on the bed beside me. I wake up screaming and hyperventilating for a while, my heart racing, and frantically throw all the covers off my bed, flip on the light switch and search my entire room for the damn spiders. Obviously there are none. When I realize it was another nightmare, I turn off the lights and try to fall asleep again, but by this point my heart is racing so hard and I am in panic mode. Sometimes I cry again, sometimes I don't. Either way, sleep is pretty much out of the question. Sometimes these night terrors even happen out of the blue, when I've had a fantastic evening with nothing troubling me.

The longest I've had these night terrors/attacks for was every night for a month straight. I think I've pretty much slept on every single couch in my house, trying to find a place where these spiders will leave me alone. Sometimes it works for a night or two, but they always find me. It's hard on my family too, because when I have these attacks, I sometimes wake them up, hoping that having someone who loves me around will make it stop. But since I can't explain to them what is going on, why I am hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably, they get freaked out and worried, which only makes it worse for me.

My daytime anxieties I can usually deal with. Sometimes I am just filled with an overwhelming happiness for no reason. I will be driving somewhere, when suddenly I can't help but grin the biggest grin you have ever seen, and my heart leaps into my throat and it is complete ecstasy. I feel like i am on drugs. This honestly is the best feeling in the world, and I can't complain when that happens, although my friends and family might be curious why I'm being so weird and giddy. I am also a very paranoid person. I believe that if it is possible for something to go wrong, if it involves me, it WILL go wrong. Most of the time, I am convinced that the next few years of my life will be my last, as every little thing that seems off with my body, I automatically think means i am dying or horribly diseased and when I'm driving, I always think I will be in a terrible accident.

The attacks I get when i'm at work, generally I can deal with. I leave. I go into the bathroom for a few minutes and try to breathe, or I just ask to go home early. It doesn't always work, but it is easier to deal with than the night anxieties, because at night, I am alone. I am in bed, and those are all the things I would normally do if I was having a daytime attack. So what do I do when all my normal remedies are not working?

After years of dealing with this and not knowing what is going on, I've finally come more to terms with it and realized that I'm not crazy, and that there are a lot of people in the world who deal with anxiety and depression every day of their lives and many have it far worse than I do. When I'm having an episode, all I ask is that you please do not yell at me if I'm not doing something properly. Please do not tell me I'm being ridiculous. And please do not make me do something I am not comfortable with, even if I say I am. If I seem uneasy, it's because I really am feeling horrible and just want to be alone. Last but not least, please, please, do NOT laugh at me when I say I've had a nightmare about spiders again.

All You Need is Love...

A few weeks ago, some friends and I were having a discussion about life and relationships, when a question regarding inter-religious relationships arose. "Is it possible/wise to date/marry someone of a different religious belief than yourself?" While the popular vote was that it is important to find someone who believes the same as you do, I begged to differ.

While it is true that two people from completely opposite ends of the spectrum, such as Christianity and Wiccanism, would not be likely to stand much of a chance together, many other religions have at least some similarities. With Christians and Muslims for example, even though Christians believe in Jesus and Muslims believe in the prophet Mohammed, they are both united under the same God. My point is that if they are willing to support and respect one another, they can make it work. I truly believe that humans should be able to co-exist in this way otherwise the idea of world peace will remain nothing but a dream.

As much as we all wish that world peace will happen at some point in the future, the fear of learning to understand other cultures holds us back. If we just put in the effort to get to know one another and understand how we work and how we think, we will come to realize that we aren’t so different after all and in the end, we all want the same thing in life. If we refuse to expect it of ourselves, that we can possibly understand or even love someone who’s beliefs are different than our own, how can we possibly expect it of the world? We are all the bricks that hold this world together and if one brick crumbles, the others have to work that much harder to keep it together. If another one crumbles, the load gets heavier still. We cannot rely on our neighbors to make world peace happen if we ourselves refuse to put in the effort.

As for children, I’ve heard from many people that putting kids in the situation where mom believes one thing and dad believes another is confusing and damaging to the child. Again, I cannot agree with this. When mom says it’s ok to get your ears pierced and dad says hell no, the kid is confused as to what to do. Does that mean the parents should not be together? Of course not. On the contrary, I believe that children with parents of different views and perspectives (and religions, for the sake of my argument) are a lot more able to make their own decisions and to make them wise decisions, as they have learnt to figure things out on their own, to not just believe what they are told to believe, just because they were told that it was so. Bringing your child up in a home where the parents are of different cultures/religions and yet live together harmoniously will teach a child tolerance and respect of others and it will show them how important it is to be open-minded.

I’m not saying that it is wrong to marry someone who is the same culture, religion and background as you, I am merely asking that you don’t completely shut the idea out. If we say world peace will never happen, then we are damning it to failure, but if we believe there is a way and everyone does their part, piece by piece, we will find a way.

i'm gonna brag here for a moment...

i know i know, i HATE it when fat girls post shit all over facebook in their status everyday about "going for a jog, i feel great!" kinda crap, because it's annoying. i mean, good for you, i'm happy you're doing that, but like, then why dont you post "yay, i just peed! so relieved!" you know? i should do that one day, see what kinda reactions i'd get bahaha.

ANYWAYS, instead of posting in my facebook status for the world to see (not as many people see my blog ha), i just want to brag about the 16 lbs i've lost in the past 3 weeks. i'm so proud of myself, even though ive still got a while to go, i'm just happy that i'm doing this for myself. for some reason as much as i've wanted to lose weight in the past, i've just been far too afraid. sometimes even though being happy is my ultimate goal in life, i'm just too afraid to do something that will actually make me happy. more than looks or anything else, i'm just doing this to ensure that i am healthy and fit, i would beat myself up if i got diabetes one day (it runs heavily in my family) because i didn't properly take care of myself, and having a heart attack at a young age is also a fear that drives me. i know i can do better than allowing myself to get sick out of pure laziness, so why would i settle for it? i've made some bad choices in the past and i've paid for them, but it's never too late to make changes, right?