Late Night Encounters

i dont know if you believe in ghosts or the supernatural at all, but i do, and so i'm not really sure what to make of what happened last night.

Half asleep, I went to the bathroom and just as I was coming out of the bathroom, there was an intense flash of light that looked like it came from a camera. as it lit up the whole basement, i saw the figure of a girl who was probably around 17 or 18 standing a few feet in front of me, facing the computer. now, i know our computer has been on the fritz lately and kinda just restarts whenever and so the screen does flash randomly, but i've never seen it so bright before! it's probably just cos i was barely awake and imagining things, but needless to say, it scared the pants off me.

Thrift Store Jackets

As I sat on the bus one bitter cold afternoon, an old, worn-out looking woman trudged through the door, shaking the snow off her boots as she walked. Seeing an empty seat at the front, she said to the two people who were half taking it up, "Can I have a seat?" They moved their bags and she sat down and the bus continued on its route.

From where I sat, I watched the woman. She had the appearance of someone who had gone through more hard times than most people could deal with: the monstrous bags under her eyes and saggy cheeks said, I'm tired of all this shit. Even her attire, from the worn-out, aqua-colored, thrift store jacket to the cream colored toque, sloppily placed on her head, clearly showed that she lived in poverty and hardship.

But although she looked exhausted and just as worn-out as her jacket, something about her caught my attention. Her determination stood out to me, a vibe that said, my life sucks, and it's been tough as hell, but you don't see me giving up. As if she had realized long ago that real-life is not a Hollywood picture perfect story, and that even when it throws you sharp turns and seemingly impossible situations, you can never give up. it's only your strong will and determination that will keep you alive.

The next few weeks following my encounter with the second-hand-jacket lady, I'd come to realize just how really fortunate I was. Of course, my life wasn’t perfect, I knew it never would be, and there would always be a million things that I would find disappointing enough to complain about, but ultimately, I knew that my life was blessed far beyond anything that a great majority of people in the world could even begin to imagine.

Although the lady on the bus thought she was just going to Brown's Drug Store to buy some cough syrup or whatever it was that she needed, she would never know how much she actually inspired me, a complete stranger.

are you afraid of the dark?

it's 4:01 am on the second consecutive week of nightmares. my heart is still pounding and my hands are still shaking from waking up screaming. i'm so fucking sick of nightmares, HOW do i make them stop? it's killing me. i'm desperate.

Guts

if you want to laugh and be disturbed all at the same time, go to youtube and search "chuck palahniuk guts". it's a 3 part reading of one of his short stories called "Guts". on his book tours, it's been reported that a total of 73 faintings occurred during the readings.

be warned.

pop tart, brain fart.

so i've decided to challenge myself and enter a short story contest. i found out about it yesterday and the contest ends on April 7th, which still gives me a decent amount of time to come up with something, but i dont really have any clue as to what i'm going to write about. i haven't "made up" a story in quite some time, and it doesn't come as easily to me as writing my thoughts or little rants, so we'll see how it goes. i'm kinda excited though. i think it will be fun, once i get rolling, putting together a small manuscript and all. woot!

Karis Tanya Heart

so Tanya is my best friend. 

i was born April 20th and she was born exactly a week later, and we've been friends ever since. 

Right now, she lives in Toronto, going to fashion school, (she's gonna kick Versace's ass one day just so you know, so keep an eye out for her). She is actually the coolest person you will ever meet, if you're lucky to do so. i will write her biography when she's famous, so then you'll have somewhat of an idea about just how ridiculously awesome and fantastic this girl is. she's the chocolate to my hot fudge sunday. ANYWAYS, she and i always write each other poems called "Karis Tanya Heart". this was the latest in the bunch, from her to me:

i wish we weren't so far apart 

i'd drive to the 'Peg  via shopping cart

even to smell your stinky fart

Karis Tanya Heart

 i loved it, and wanted to share. 

What is the secret to happiness?

Of all the billions of people in the world, there must be someone who knows true happiness and how they came to find it.  Honestly, I think they should write a book and share this secret with the rest of us lowly folk, who have long started to believe that happiness is only a dream.

How can a person be truly happy when bills and payments and stress and work and people dying and shitty governments and failing economies and unjust labor laws in third world countries and the fear of global warming, are thrown in our faces on a daily basis?  How do we get passed all the bad things consuming our lives and breathe in the joys life has to offer?

I feel so often like I should have hope. I tell myself there is so much more to life than this.  But is there? When do we stop fooling ourselves? Why do we slave away to make our lives worthwhile and then watch as everything we’ve worked so hard for crumbles to the ground? I try to tell myself that things will only go up from here on in. The worst of it is over. And then I pick myself up out of the debris with nothing but my pride and I start building again, from the ground up. I get a boyfriend, and an awesome job. And everything is fine and dandy, in fact, I’ve never been happier.

And then he dumps me. And two weeks later, I lose my job. The day after I lose my job, my grandfather passes away. Recently, my dad put in his resignation to his position as leading pastor in our church. This was a decision that I very willingly supported, as I’ve been battling issues with the church for quite some time now. The thing that bothers me most about the situation, however, is how poorly many of the church members are treating my dad because of it. After all the years of hard work he’s put in, they go and stab him in the back. They make up lies about him. They try to rip him off from the work he’s put in. they spread rumors. Piece by piece they are not only tearing him apart, but they are hurting my entire family. I wish there was some way to slap them in the face and tell the church what they are doing to us. How much it hurts. How, by treating not only my family, but other people as well, as if they are easily replaced, they are pushing us farther and farther away from the church. Quite frankly, I hate going to church for the mere fact that there are so many people there that I can’t even look at, because I get so angry. I am so disgusted with their behaviors and the way they disrespect other people, that I feel nauseous.  It is one of the many reasons why I have lost my faith in humanity.

Where has my happiness gone? I am so tired, exhausted from feeling so worthless. I feel like I have a million questions and no answers, and nowhere to find them.  There is no antidote for this hell that my life has seemingly become and as I tell everyone around me that I’m fine, even I start to believe it. I get over the guy, I get a new job - three even, but still, I am empty. I laugh, but not wholeheartedly. I smile, but the twinkle in my eye is not for joy, but rather me fighting back tears.

I am happy. I am happy.
I love my life. I love who I am. I love where I am.
I am happy.

But not everyone is fooled. Are you?

scratch that.

blog schmog.

forget the rules i set for this blog before. i'm just gonna go with the flow.