Of all the billions of people in the world, there must be someone who knows true happiness and how they came to find it. Honestly, I think they should write a book and share this secret with the rest of us lowly folk, who have long started to believe that happiness is only a dream.
How can a person be truly happy when bills and payments and stress and work and people dying and shitty governments and failing economies and unjust labor laws in third world countries and the fear of global warming, are thrown in our faces on a daily basis? How do we get passed all the bad things consuming our lives and breathe in the joys life has to offer?
I feel so often like I should have hope. I tell myself there is so much more to life than this. But is there? When do we stop fooling ourselves? Why do we slave away to make our lives worthwhile and then watch as everything we’ve worked so hard for crumbles to the ground? I try to tell myself that things will only go up from here on in. The worst of it is over. And then I pick myself up out of the debris with nothing but my pride and I start building again, from the ground up. I get a boyfriend, and an awesome job. And everything is fine and dandy, in fact, I’ve never been happier.
And then he dumps me. And two weeks later, I lose my job. The day after I lose my job, my grandfather passes away. Recently, my dad put in his resignation to his position as leading pastor in our church. This was a decision that I very willingly supported, as I’ve been battling issues with the church for quite some time now. The thing that bothers me most about the situation, however, is how poorly many of the church members are treating my dad because of it. After all the years of hard work he’s put in, they go and stab him in the back. They make up lies about him. They try to rip him off from the work he’s put in. they spread rumors. Piece by piece they are not only tearing him apart, but they are hurting my entire family. I wish there was some way to slap them in the face and tell the church what they are doing to us. How much it hurts. How, by treating not only my family, but other people as well, as if they are easily replaced, they are pushing us farther and farther away from the church. Quite frankly, I hate going to church for the mere fact that there are so many people there that I can’t even look at, because I get so angry. I am so disgusted with their behaviors and the way they disrespect other people, that I feel nauseous. It is one of the many reasons why I have lost my faith in humanity.
Where has my happiness gone? I am so tired, exhausted from feeling so worthless. I feel like I have a million questions and no answers, and nowhere to find them. There is no antidote for this hell that my life has seemingly become and as I tell everyone around me that I’m fine, even I start to believe it. I get over the guy, I get a new job - three even, but still, I am empty. I laugh, but not wholeheartedly. I smile, but the twinkle in my eye is not for joy, but rather me fighting back tears.
I am happy. I am happy.
I love my life. I love who I am. I love where I am.
I am happy.
But not everyone is fooled. Are you?
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