I was reading my friends' blog about anxiety ( http://thisispanicuk.blogspot.com ) and it really made me think about how much I hate when people laugh at me when I say spiders haunt me in my sleep. I dont think most of you realize how big a deal it actually is for me, and figure maybe I should explain.
I suffer from anxiety, though it's not insanely bad, it does have it's moments. I get my highs and my lows, and I will usually go a few months before having a breakdown, but when it happens, I want nothing to do with anyone, and I just want to be left alone. Usually if i am around people or at work, I need to escape and be alone quite often, as having people milling about only makes it worse. It's frustrating because people want to know what's wrong, why I'm sitting down, looking rather ill - because I am usually quite a good worker, and I dont just sit around. I dont like telling people, "oh I'm having an anxiety attack", so I usually just tell them I'm not feeling well, but then they pester me more throughout the day to see if I'm feeling better. Mainly how it works is I just feel insanely nervous, uncomfortable and shaky. I just want to stay in my house, away from people and noise, and stay in bed where nothing can make me freak out or break into tears without knowing exactly why.
My most recent anxiety attacks however, have been at night, which in my opinion are almost worse than the daytime ones, as they kinda run together. I don't get much sleep at all when I have a night attack, and then I am very tired the next day, causing me to be more anxious throughout the day, especially earlier on in the morning. My brain doesn't shut down at night very easily, though I think many people are like that too. Even if it's something as simple as a song playing repeatedly in my head, I cannot fall asleep. When I'm having a night attack, it's usually because something has triggered a bad memory and it is playing repeatedly in my head. Being the way I am, I will overanalyze and dissect the memory, trying to figure out what or where it went wrong. This can go on for hours, causing me to be restless and be filled with an overwhelming sadness. It takes me hours to fall asleep and it's to the point where I just feel so helpless because my mind won't shut off even though i know it's time to sleep and my body is exhausted.
So after my brain has finally allowed me to fall into a light sleep, filled with faced paced dreams, everything in my dreams stops and a giant spider, or many little spiders, appear out of thin air, usually on the bed beside me. I wake up screaming and hyperventilating for a while, my heart racing, and frantically throw all the covers off my bed, flip on the light switch and search my entire room for the damn spiders. Obviously there are none. When I realize it was another nightmare, I turn off the lights and try to fall asleep again, but by this point my heart is racing so hard and I am in panic mode. Sometimes I cry again, sometimes I don't. Either way, sleep is pretty much out of the question. Sometimes these night terrors even happen out of the blue, when I've had a fantastic evening with nothing troubling me.
The longest I've had these night terrors/attacks for was every night for a month straight. I think I've pretty much slept on every single couch in my house, trying to find a place where these spiders will leave me alone. Sometimes it works for a night or two, but they always find me. It's hard on my family too, because when I have these attacks, I sometimes wake them up, hoping that having someone who loves me around will make it stop. But since I can't explain to them what is going on, why I am hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably, they get freaked out and worried, which only makes it worse for me.
My daytime anxieties I can usually deal with. Sometimes I am just filled with an overwhelming happiness for no reason. I will be driving somewhere, when suddenly I can't help but grin the biggest grin you have ever seen, and my heart leaps into my throat and it is complete ecstasy. I feel like i am on drugs. This honestly is the best feeling in the world, and I can't complain when that happens, although my friends and family might be curious why I'm being so weird and giddy. I am also a very paranoid person. I believe that if it is possible for something to go wrong, if it involves me, it WILL go wrong. Most of the time, I am convinced that the next few years of my life will be my last, as every little thing that seems off with my body, I automatically think means i am dying or horribly diseased and when I'm driving, I always think I will be in a terrible accident.
The attacks I get when i'm at work, generally I can deal with. I leave. I go into the bathroom for a few minutes and try to breathe, or I just ask to go home early. It doesn't always work, but it is easier to deal with than the night anxieties, because at night, I am alone. I am in bed, and those are all the things I would normally do if I was having a daytime attack. So what do I do when all my normal remedies are not working?
After years of dealing with this and not knowing what is going on, I've finally come more to terms with it and realized that I'm not crazy, and that there are a lot of people in the world who deal with anxiety and depression every day of their lives and many have it far worse than I do. When I'm having an episode, all I ask is that you please do not yell at me if I'm not doing something properly. Please do not tell me I'm being ridiculous. And please do not make me do something I am not comfortable with, even if I say I am. If I seem uneasy, it's because I really am feeling horrible and just want to be alone. Last but not least, please, please, do NOT laugh at me when I say I've had a nightmare about spiders again.
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