the Year of Reinvention

Figuring out who you are isn't fun, no matter how old you are. I always thought that by 21 I would have had it all figured out. But in all honesty, I feel like I'm 13 all over again.

When I got my tattoo almost a year ago, I decided that this meant I had to live up to it.
"20 Going On..."
"Be what you're becoming, and not who you were. grab hold of the here and now while you still have a chance."

Until recently, i've felt like the person at the beginning of the song. If you're unfamiliar with this song by my favorite band Tsunami Bomb, let me recap. Basically, it's about a guy who's 20, or around that age, but feels like an old man. He's done nothing with his life and wasted it away and looking back, has nothing to be proud of. He may have had a life at some point earlier on, but it has all gone down the drain. In the song, Em (the singer) is telling this guy that he can do anything he wants if he only lets himself. "Build me and ocean and destroy it with your eyes," she says.

That guy that Em was singing to was me for the past few years of my life. I used to love playing guitar. It was all I did. I played for hours every day and didnt give up on a song until I nailed it. I was getting pretty good. I played sports all the time. I loved football and soccer, and roller hockey. Even though I wasn't on any teams, I called up the guys all the time to play, and I wasn't half bad either - for a girl. I had fun. I lived my life. I was happy.

Then a few bad things happened, and instead of using those bad things to make me stronger, I let them consume me. I let them take over my life and ruin it. I gained too much weight, I got lazy. I stopped playing guitar. I stopped playing sports - I even resented them. Later on, I started to make drinking on my own a bad habit, when I was having a bad day, going to the liquor mart and downing a bottle and a half - or more - of wine to myself within half an hour, and sulking in my room alone, or laughing it off to a parent, or a friend, pretending like everything was fine.

The past few years, my life has been ruled by fear. While I have had courage to do things other people might find stupid or irresponsible, like flying out to California on my own to meet someone in person for the first time, I held back from doing things here and now that I really truly wanted to do. I put them off and said "one day," because I was too afraid.

When I got my tattoo, I decided that it meant I couldn't keep living my life the way I was anymore. Every day I had a reminder burnt onto my skin, telling me to face my fears and live my life. It's been a challenge and I have so far to go, but I'm proud of how far I've come.

I joined a weightloss program in June this year and since, have lost 35 lbs. I now fit my grad dress better than I did when i actually graduated.

I joined a soccer team last week that will be starting up in October. I'm so excited to be playing again! Soccer was always such a stress reliever for me, and I loved every minute I spent on the field, and I can't wait to have this feeling and adrenaline back, and to be active and meet new people.

I'm picking up guitar again. I started doing covers on my own recently, and realizing how much of it I've lost makes it challenging, but I'm not giving up. I'm even going back to guitar lessons in the next few weeks!

I'm finishing things I once started. I have a horrible habit of knowing I have to do something, but putting it off because of fear. Fear of failing. Fear of talking to someone (on the phone or in person, whatever it is). Fear of changing. I've been putting off my hairstylist exam for quite some time now, by not handing in my apprenticeship form, but it's something I have to do. Exams are scary for everyone, and I have to realize that if I work hard and grab it by the horns, I can conquer this too, and move on to bigger and better things, and become the hairstylist I've wanted to be.

I'm working toward moving to Toronto in the next year, so I can be with my best friend, and live in a city that inspires me instead of dragging me down.

I'm learning to do things for myself instead of always putting other people and their opinions first. I will always be a genuine, caring person, who thinks of others before herself and wants to do good in the world, but I'm learning to not let myself be a pushover and to let people take advantage of my kindness. I guess all this comes with my ever growing confidence in myself and who I'm becoming.

I rarely drink anymore, not only because my diet won't allow me to, but after a scary experience with my brother, I realized that life is too short and fragile, and there are too many people in my life who care about me and it's not worth hurting them. Solving problems and taking them head on is so much more rewarding afterward than drinking your weights worth of alcohol and getting plastered. Making problems go away for good is far better than trying to forget they are there.

I'm about half way to my goal weight, and well on my way to becoming the strong and confident woman I've always dreamt of being. It scares the shit out of me every day, and some days are harder than others, but I won't give up now, not when I'm so close.

My parents and I were sitting around the bonfire one evening last week, when I got up and said "Hold on, I have to get something." I came back with my "fat pants", the largest pair I have ever worn, and said "fuck this" as i threw them into the fire.
"Why are you burning your pants?" dad asked.
"I'm saying goodbye to the person I was," I explained, "and promising myself never to let that happen again. To keep living my life no matter how hard it gets."

Look out world, here I come. Slowly but surely, I will conquer.