Growing Up Karis

It’s funny how we think we’ve grown so much over time, and we think, “finally, I am getting somewhere. I’m coming into myself.” And then shit happens, you deal with it, you laugh, you cry. You grow apart from old friends; you meet new ones. You travel the world.
I cannot digress how much I have changed over the past few years. Sometimes for the worst, and others for the best. But I think finally, after 4 years of not having a clue, of trying to figure out “what is the point?” I think I’m finally progressing in a direction that I am more than proud of.
I’ve written about my weight loss in previous entries, so I won’t go into too much detail about that. I’m still working on it, and even though I’ve had some set backs, I know that I can do it and reach my goal to leading a healthier and more energized life.
That is just one of the many ways I have been working toward my ultimate life goal – genuine happiness with myself as a person and where I am in each moment of my life.
This has probably been the hardest for me to achieve, as I’ve been dealing with some form of depression and anxiety for as much of my life as I can remember. I always found it so easy to just feel sorry for myself, no matter what the situation, and to sink into a pool of self-pity.
When I was in my first year out of high school, I had the unfortunate experience of being sexually assaulted when I was at my lowest point in my faith with God, and met a guy online who seemed to be interested in my thoughts as he himself claimed to be a pastors child (P.K. for future reference). I always found growing up a PK difficult, because I felt that perfection was projected on me, as my behaviors would illuminate the kind of person that my father was outside of the Sunday morning church services. So when this guy offered to share experiences and help me sort out my issues with the church and with God, I figured, why not.
Long story short, he ended up just using my vulnerability, naivety and trust in humanity to his own benefit, and to the misfortune of mine. Though luckily I did have the courage to get out before things got too far.
That was my first encounter with the so-called “Real World,” the world outside my sheltered Mennonite life. I let that experience affect so much of how I thought of myself, so much of whom I was. I didn’t know anything anymore. My whole world was shaken.
From then on, I felt insecure about men; I felt that attention from guys that I knew deep down I was “way better than” (for lack of a better term) was how I needed to deal with my insecurities. The relationships I’ve had since then have only dragged me down and made me feel worse and worse about myself. Having days –weeks even- that a situation with guy would make me feel so worthless that I would lay in bed, moping all day long and eating away my emotions.
Well, my friends, there is a point to my rambling little sob story. It is that shit happens. Bad experiences are part of life. It’s how we learn, how we grow. As hard as these experiences were for me to deal with, they have helped shape me into someone I am finally proud of being. I am finally able to stand on my own two feet and say “This is who I am. This is what I want, and this is what I deserve.” And I will settle for no less.
After the last ordeal with a guy I was seeing gone completely wrong, I somehow felt different. I was able to put my foot down and say, “you know what, no. I can do far better than this.” I finally realized that we are dealt certain cards and how we play them out and what we make of the outcomes are up to us. We make our own happiness. We can choose to whip out the worlds smallest violin and play a sad song for ourselves, crying the days away. But people get sick of that. No one wants to willingly be around a person who drags him or her down.
I decided I was going to learn to make the best out of all the situations life throws me in. And you know what, I think the people around me have noticed this. Before, I always felt as though I had no friends, and suddenly, they surround me. People mean so much more to me now that I respect myself, and their opinions don’t hinder me like they once did. I love my life, and I am not only excited for the future, but I am truly enjoying living in the present.
There’s not much else I can say. I am growing every day, and will till the day I die. I’ll have my fallbacks. As long as I have my friends and my family to support me and remember that life is so much more than moping about. There is a whole world out there, and I want to experience all of it, grinning from ear to ear.