I was reading my friends' blog about anxiety ( http://thisispanicuk.blogspot.com ) and it really made me think about how much I hate when people laugh at me when I say spiders haunt me in my sleep. I dont think most of you realize how big a deal it actually is for me, and figure maybe I should explain.
I suffer from anxiety, though it's not insanely bad, it does have it's moments. I get my highs and my lows, and I will usually go a few months before having a breakdown, but when it happens, I want nothing to do with anyone, and I just want to be left alone. Usually if i am around people or at work, I need to escape and be alone quite often, as having people milling about only makes it worse. It's frustrating because people want to know what's wrong, why I'm sitting down, looking rather ill - because I am usually quite a good worker, and I dont just sit around. I dont like telling people, "oh I'm having an anxiety attack", so I usually just tell them I'm not feeling well, but then they pester me more throughout the day to see if I'm feeling better. Mainly how it works is I just feel insanely nervous, uncomfortable and shaky. I just want to stay in my house, away from people and noise, and stay in bed where nothing can make me freak out or break into tears without knowing exactly why.
My most recent anxiety attacks however, have been at night, which in my opinion are almost worse than the daytime ones, as they kinda run together. I don't get much sleep at all when I have a night attack, and then I am very tired the next day, causing me to be more anxious throughout the day, especially earlier on in the morning. My brain doesn't shut down at night very easily, though I think many people are like that too. Even if it's something as simple as a song playing repeatedly in my head, I cannot fall asleep. When I'm having a night attack, it's usually because something has triggered a bad memory and it is playing repeatedly in my head. Being the way I am, I will overanalyze and dissect the memory, trying to figure out what or where it went wrong. This can go on for hours, causing me to be restless and be filled with an overwhelming sadness. It takes me hours to fall asleep and it's to the point where I just feel so helpless because my mind won't shut off even though i know it's time to sleep and my body is exhausted.
So after my brain has finally allowed me to fall into a light sleep, filled with faced paced dreams, everything in my dreams stops and a giant spider, or many little spiders, appear out of thin air, usually on the bed beside me. I wake up screaming and hyperventilating for a while, my heart racing, and frantically throw all the covers off my bed, flip on the light switch and search my entire room for the damn spiders. Obviously there are none. When I realize it was another nightmare, I turn off the lights and try to fall asleep again, but by this point my heart is racing so hard and I am in panic mode. Sometimes I cry again, sometimes I don't. Either way, sleep is pretty much out of the question. Sometimes these night terrors even happen out of the blue, when I've had a fantastic evening with nothing troubling me.
The longest I've had these night terrors/attacks for was every night for a month straight. I think I've pretty much slept on every single couch in my house, trying to find a place where these spiders will leave me alone. Sometimes it works for a night or two, but they always find me. It's hard on my family too, because when I have these attacks, I sometimes wake them up, hoping that having someone who loves me around will make it stop. But since I can't explain to them what is going on, why I am hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably, they get freaked out and worried, which only makes it worse for me.
My daytime anxieties I can usually deal with. Sometimes I am just filled with an overwhelming happiness for no reason. I will be driving somewhere, when suddenly I can't help but grin the biggest grin you have ever seen, and my heart leaps into my throat and it is complete ecstasy. I feel like i am on drugs. This honestly is the best feeling in the world, and I can't complain when that happens, although my friends and family might be curious why I'm being so weird and giddy. I am also a very paranoid person. I believe that if it is possible for something to go wrong, if it involves me, it WILL go wrong. Most of the time, I am convinced that the next few years of my life will be my last, as every little thing that seems off with my body, I automatically think means i am dying or horribly diseased and when I'm driving, I always think I will be in a terrible accident.
The attacks I get when i'm at work, generally I can deal with. I leave. I go into the bathroom for a few minutes and try to breathe, or I just ask to go home early. It doesn't always work, but it is easier to deal with than the night anxieties, because at night, I am alone. I am in bed, and those are all the things I would normally do if I was having a daytime attack. So what do I do when all my normal remedies are not working?
After years of dealing with this and not knowing what is going on, I've finally come more to terms with it and realized that I'm not crazy, and that there are a lot of people in the world who deal with anxiety and depression every day of their lives and many have it far worse than I do. When I'm having an episode, all I ask is that you please do not yell at me if I'm not doing something properly. Please do not tell me I'm being ridiculous. And please do not make me do something I am not comfortable with, even if I say I am. If I seem uneasy, it's because I really am feeling horrible and just want to be alone. Last but not least, please, please, do NOT laugh at me when I say I've had a nightmare about spiders again.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
All You Need is Love...
A few weeks ago, some friends and I were having a discussion about life and relationships, when a question regarding inter-religious relationships arose. "Is it possible/wise to date/marry someone of a different religious belief than yourself?" While the popular vote was that it is important to find someone who believes the same as you do, I begged to differ.
While it is true that two people from completely opposite ends of the spectrum, such as Christianity and Wiccanism, would not be likely to stand much of a chance together, many other religions have at least some similarities. With Christians and Muslims for example, even though Christians believe in Jesus and Muslims believe in the prophet Mohammed, they are both united under the same God. My point is that if they are willing to support and respect one another, they can make it work. I truly believe that humans should be able to co-exist in this way otherwise the idea of world peace will remain nothing but a dream.
As much as we all wish that world peace will happen at some point in the future, the fear of learning to understand other cultures holds us back. If we just put in the effort to get to know one another and understand how we work and how we think, we will come to realize that we aren’t so different after all and in the end, we all want the same thing in life. If we refuse to expect it of ourselves, that we can possibly understand or even love someone who’s beliefs are different than our own, how can we possibly expect it of the world? We are all the bricks that hold this world together and if one brick crumbles, the others have to work that much harder to keep it together. If another one crumbles, the load gets heavier still. We cannot rely on our neighbors to make world peace happen if we ourselves refuse to put in the effort.
As for children, I’ve heard from many people that putting kids in the situation where mom believes one thing and dad believes another is confusing and damaging to the child. Again, I cannot agree with this. When mom says it’s ok to get your ears pierced and dad says hell no, the kid is confused as to what to do. Does that mean the parents should not be together? Of course not. On the contrary, I believe that children with parents of different views and perspectives (and religions, for the sake of my argument) are a lot more able to make their own decisions and to make them wise decisions, as they have learnt to figure things out on their own, to not just believe what they are told to believe, just because they were told that it was so. Bringing your child up in a home where the parents are of different cultures/religions and yet live together harmoniously will teach a child tolerance and respect of others and it will show them how important it is to be open-minded.
I’m not saying that it is wrong to marry someone who is the same culture, religion and background as you, I am merely asking that you don’t completely shut the idea out. If we say world peace will never happen, then we are damning it to failure, but if we believe there is a way and everyone does their part, piece by piece, we will find a way.
While it is true that two people from completely opposite ends of the spectrum, such as Christianity and Wiccanism, would not be likely to stand much of a chance together, many other religions have at least some similarities. With Christians and Muslims for example, even though Christians believe in Jesus and Muslims believe in the prophet Mohammed, they are both united under the same God. My point is that if they are willing to support and respect one another, they can make it work. I truly believe that humans should be able to co-exist in this way otherwise the idea of world peace will remain nothing but a dream.
As much as we all wish that world peace will happen at some point in the future, the fear of learning to understand other cultures holds us back. If we just put in the effort to get to know one another and understand how we work and how we think, we will come to realize that we aren’t so different after all and in the end, we all want the same thing in life. If we refuse to expect it of ourselves, that we can possibly understand or even love someone who’s beliefs are different than our own, how can we possibly expect it of the world? We are all the bricks that hold this world together and if one brick crumbles, the others have to work that much harder to keep it together. If another one crumbles, the load gets heavier still. We cannot rely on our neighbors to make world peace happen if we ourselves refuse to put in the effort.
As for children, I’ve heard from many people that putting kids in the situation where mom believes one thing and dad believes another is confusing and damaging to the child. Again, I cannot agree with this. When mom says it’s ok to get your ears pierced and dad says hell no, the kid is confused as to what to do. Does that mean the parents should not be together? Of course not. On the contrary, I believe that children with parents of different views and perspectives (and religions, for the sake of my argument) are a lot more able to make their own decisions and to make them wise decisions, as they have learnt to figure things out on their own, to not just believe what they are told to believe, just because they were told that it was so. Bringing your child up in a home where the parents are of different cultures/religions and yet live together harmoniously will teach a child tolerance and respect of others and it will show them how important it is to be open-minded.
I’m not saying that it is wrong to marry someone who is the same culture, religion and background as you, I am merely asking that you don’t completely shut the idea out. If we say world peace will never happen, then we are damning it to failure, but if we believe there is a way and everyone does their part, piece by piece, we will find a way.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
i'm gonna brag here for a moment...
i know i know, i HATE it when fat girls post shit all over facebook in their status everyday about "going for a jog, i feel great!" kinda crap, because it's annoying. i mean, good for you, i'm happy you're doing that, but like, then why dont you post "yay, i just peed! so relieved!" you know? i should do that one day, see what kinda reactions i'd get bahaha.
ANYWAYS, instead of posting in my facebook status for the world to see (not as many people see my blog ha), i just want to brag about the 16 lbs i've lost in the past 3 weeks. i'm so proud of myself, even though ive still got a while to go, i'm just happy that i'm doing this for myself. for some reason as much as i've wanted to lose weight in the past, i've just been far too afraid. sometimes even though being happy is my ultimate goal in life, i'm just too afraid to do something that will actually make me happy. more than looks or anything else, i'm just doing this to ensure that i am healthy and fit, i would beat myself up if i got diabetes one day (it runs heavily in my family) because i didn't properly take care of myself, and having a heart attack at a young age is also a fear that drives me. i know i can do better than allowing myself to get sick out of pure laziness, so why would i settle for it? i've made some bad choices in the past and i've paid for them, but it's never too late to make changes, right?
ANYWAYS, instead of posting in my facebook status for the world to see (not as many people see my blog ha), i just want to brag about the 16 lbs i've lost in the past 3 weeks. i'm so proud of myself, even though ive still got a while to go, i'm just happy that i'm doing this for myself. for some reason as much as i've wanted to lose weight in the past, i've just been far too afraid. sometimes even though being happy is my ultimate goal in life, i'm just too afraid to do something that will actually make me happy. more than looks or anything else, i'm just doing this to ensure that i am healthy and fit, i would beat myself up if i got diabetes one day (it runs heavily in my family) because i didn't properly take care of myself, and having a heart attack at a young age is also a fear that drives me. i know i can do better than allowing myself to get sick out of pure laziness, so why would i settle for it? i've made some bad choices in the past and i've paid for them, but it's never too late to make changes, right?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
i wish i may i wish i might wish this wish i wish tonight...
ugh. i feel like so much yet so little has happened in the past while since i've been absent from my blog. there's not really a whole hell of a lot of uber-eventfulness to write about, which kinda makes me sad.
i've been really grouchy lately and i'm not really sure why, though it's really frustrating me (no, it's not PMS). things that people do and say are just getting to me. it seems now that summer has *finally* arrived, it seems so have the idiots.
i wish people wouldn't tell me how to do my job when clearly they are sitting in my chair because they need my professional opinion.
i wish people weren't so stuck up about religion. actually, i wish religion would just go away. beliefs, gods and morality can stay, but organized religion be gone! until people can be religious without being pompous, pig-headed and arrogant, i think it should not exist. a prime example: i hate peas and think they are the nastiest things ever. if i hated/disliked or harshly judged everyone who liked peas, i would not have a lot of friends.
i wish bad things didn't happen to good people.
i wish people would stand up for themselves instead of just complaining about it. yes, i realize i fall into this category sometimes too.
i wish people would grow their own brains. you've got a brain, use it. that's what it's there for, not so you can just "download" information from one person or source and use that as your opinion "because they said so". that's plagiarism of the brain.
i wish everyone in the world could get along with and love their parents and siblings as much as i love and need mine.
i wish people would drive the speed limit and not 10 clicks under, especially in a 50 zone.
i wish people wouldn't judge others by how they look. not returning a hello to a stranger as they walk by you because you think you're better or better looking than them is an asshole move. (i need to work on this one... i think emo/scene kids are idiots haha)
i wish i wasn't allergic to stupid things like celery and cucumbers. i love celery and cucumbers! i eat them regardless, but it'd be so much more enjoyable/so much less annoying if i didnt get itchy from it. ha.
i wish i drove a crotch rocket. and lived in california.
i wish i had the means to invent all the weird shit i come up with on a daily basis. i would be rich, let me tell you.
i wish everyone could see things through each others eyes.
Friend 1: you know what i mean?
Friend 2: not really
*friend 1 passes eyeballs to friend 2*
understanding instead of the need to be right...
i wish people wouldn't just say things like "we're sorry if we hurt you, it was not our intention" when they're in front of other people just to make themselves look sincere when you know that behind the scenes, they avoided reconciliation at all costs.
why do people feel the need to pretend? to put on a face? maybe it's cos no body cares. maybe cos they care too much. either way, i'm sick of it. be who you are, don't hide behind a wall. if you're sad, cry. if you're happy, jubilate. if you've got problems, talk to someone who can help you. i thought people got passed all that pretentious shit after high school. apparently it just gets worse.
anyhow, this was not meant to be depressing at all, just contemplative. when i started off writing it, i started with "i hate it when..." but that felt too negative. the things we dislike and that bother us can become so consuming when we think of them in negative ways. they eat at us and bring us down. so i tried to put a little spin on it, by starting with "i wish". "i wish" makes us hopeful. it makes us believe that anything you can think of can happen, can become a reality. maybe filling my days with "i wish" thoughts instead of "i hate" thoughts will help to make me less grumpy.
i've been really grouchy lately and i'm not really sure why, though it's really frustrating me (no, it's not PMS). things that people do and say are just getting to me. it seems now that summer has *finally* arrived, it seems so have the idiots.
i wish people wouldn't tell me how to do my job when clearly they are sitting in my chair because they need my professional opinion.
i wish people weren't so stuck up about religion. actually, i wish religion would just go away. beliefs, gods and morality can stay, but organized religion be gone! until people can be religious without being pompous, pig-headed and arrogant, i think it should not exist. a prime example: i hate peas and think they are the nastiest things ever. if i hated/disliked or harshly judged everyone who liked peas, i would not have a lot of friends.
i wish bad things didn't happen to good people.
i wish people would stand up for themselves instead of just complaining about it. yes, i realize i fall into this category sometimes too.
i wish people would grow their own brains. you've got a brain, use it. that's what it's there for, not so you can just "download" information from one person or source and use that as your opinion "because they said so". that's plagiarism of the brain.
i wish everyone in the world could get along with and love their parents and siblings as much as i love and need mine.
i wish people would drive the speed limit and not 10 clicks under, especially in a 50 zone.
i wish people wouldn't judge others by how they look. not returning a hello to a stranger as they walk by you because you think you're better or better looking than them is an asshole move. (i need to work on this one... i think emo/scene kids are idiots haha)
i wish i wasn't allergic to stupid things like celery and cucumbers. i love celery and cucumbers! i eat them regardless, but it'd be so much more enjoyable/so much less annoying if i didnt get itchy from it. ha.
i wish i drove a crotch rocket. and lived in california.
i wish i had the means to invent all the weird shit i come up with on a daily basis. i would be rich, let me tell you.
i wish everyone could see things through each others eyes.
Friend 1: you know what i mean?
Friend 2: not really
*friend 1 passes eyeballs to friend 2*
understanding instead of the need to be right...
i wish people wouldn't just say things like "we're sorry if we hurt you, it was not our intention" when they're in front of other people just to make themselves look sincere when you know that behind the scenes, they avoided reconciliation at all costs.
why do people feel the need to pretend? to put on a face? maybe it's cos no body cares. maybe cos they care too much. either way, i'm sick of it. be who you are, don't hide behind a wall. if you're sad, cry. if you're happy, jubilate. if you've got problems, talk to someone who can help you. i thought people got passed all that pretentious shit after high school. apparently it just gets worse.
anyhow, this was not meant to be depressing at all, just contemplative. when i started off writing it, i started with "i hate it when..." but that felt too negative. the things we dislike and that bother us can become so consuming when we think of them in negative ways. they eat at us and bring us down. so i tried to put a little spin on it, by starting with "i wish". "i wish" makes us hopeful. it makes us believe that anything you can think of can happen, can become a reality. maybe filling my days with "i wish" thoughts instead of "i hate" thoughts will help to make me less grumpy.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Long Weekend
i was just thinking why do we have Victoria Day this weekend and we get it off, but people in England only have next weekend off? (at least Anthony has next weekend off anyhow). you'd think since it's named after Queen Victoria, we'd synchronize the holiday or something, and since they are the "mother land".
i dont know what i'm going on about really.
i had a pretty lame long weekend. just worked. but i did get out to see Port Amoral at Skate 4 Cancer last night at the Forks, which was pretty awesome. they put on a great show as always, and even included a bunch of their newer songs, much to my satisfaction. if you dont know who Port Amoral is then get the fuck on it and go to their myspace - www.myspace.com/portamoral Villains is the GREATEST song ever. Eric's guitar skills are killer. and i wouldn't lie to you.
i had a purpose to this post, i'm sure of it, i've just forgotten what it was, and i realized that i haven't blogged in about a month. anyhow, i hope everyone had a great weekend and enjoy the rest of it.
and i definitely need some people to get together and play MUNCHKIN BOOTY at some point in the NEAR future. it's a wicked game, i swear.
cheers.
xx
i dont know what i'm going on about really.
i had a pretty lame long weekend. just worked. but i did get out to see Port Amoral at Skate 4 Cancer last night at the Forks, which was pretty awesome. they put on a great show as always, and even included a bunch of their newer songs, much to my satisfaction. if you dont know who Port Amoral is then get the fuck on it and go to their myspace - www.myspace.com/portamoral Villains is the GREATEST song ever. Eric's guitar skills are killer. and i wouldn't lie to you.
i had a purpose to this post, i'm sure of it, i've just forgotten what it was, and i realized that i haven't blogged in about a month. anyhow, i hope everyone had a great weekend and enjoy the rest of it.
and i definitely need some people to get together and play MUNCHKIN BOOTY at some point in the NEAR future. it's a wicked game, i swear.
cheers.
xx
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Paraguay, here i come!
i'm starting to get more and more excited for my trip to Paraguay. granted, i make it through the insane amount i have to work before we go (basically a full time job covering for a lady while she's gone for a month, and then doing part time on top of that...) but at least it'll actually FEEL like a well-deserved break. i've been talking to my cousin who lives in Asuncion (the capital city) and i was telling her that i'd really like to explore the city with her for a bit and maybe go out dancing with some of my cousins. i'm really excited because usually we just go to the small town of Loma Plata to spend time with family. not that i dont love doing that, but it's just that i've been to Paraguay at least 5 times now and have never actually experienced anything but Loma Plata and i haven't explored at all. i mean, living in Loma Plata is completely different than what i'm used to at home: it's a tight knit mennonite community, all dirt roads, the best fruit i've ever had, snakes, everyones farms are only about a half hour to 45 minute drive away... and i always have fun there, but i'd like to see more of Paraguay. hopefully it works out that a few cousins and i make a trip out there and explore. i think it would be awesome to see the city my dad grew up in!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
*sings* iiii hate winnipeg!
Oh Winnipeg, you never cease to amaze me.
It's April 25th and it's snowing like a freaking blizzard outisde. I'm not kidding. Not like a tiny bit of snow, it's actually like a mid-winter snowstorm without the heaps of snow already on the ground.
No more!! I demand summer!
*shakes fist at the heavens*
It's April 25th and it's snowing like a freaking blizzard outisde. I'm not kidding. Not like a tiny bit of snow, it's actually like a mid-winter snowstorm without the heaps of snow already on the ground.
No more!! I demand summer!
*shakes fist at the heavens*
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